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Re: **chuckle**... » Dinah

Posted by mair on October 22, 2001, at 7:20:27

In reply to **chuckle**..., posted by Dinah on October 22, 2001, at 5:57:54

> Dinah - I think your mind operates a bit like mine. Sometimes I'll start thinking about something that will make me think about something else and so on. Eventually I get back to where I started only worse because by then I can't remember how I got there and the landscape looks just different enough to confuse me. I don't acknowledge my dependency on my therapist although it may well be there. What does happen is that I seem to do a nose dive whenever I think about terminating. Sometimes I think about terminating because I just can't see how I can explain to her what's going on in my head or I don't want to explain it to her. Other times I think about terminating because I feel a little better and seem to lose my therapeutic focus and it just doesn't seem as necessary or worthwhile. Of course after I start getting depressed again I attribute it to a fear of being without that anchor and it seems very much like something I "precipitated" which reinforces for me an idea that depression is something I can control but choose to bring on myself and to perpetuate. Sometimes I go from there to being very self-critical that I'm even thinking about this crap - that I'm more concerned with the process of therapy than the substance of what can actually be learned. Regardless of where I started, in no time I'm in this cycle where in my mind there's no place to get off where I look anything other than pretty much a mess. If I was thinking about terminating therapy in the beginning of the cycle, I've certainly given that up by the time my next appointment rolls around.

Mair


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