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Re: mixed state or lack of discipline?

Posted by sar on October 11, 2001, at 23:26:04

In reply to Re: mixed state or lack of discipline?, posted by Wendy B. on October 11, 2001, at 22:56:20

dear all,

thanks for the quick responses. my family has not taken this well (i'm staying at their house) and they continue with accusations of me being a "loser" "derelict," what-have-you. a new friend of mine has invited me to live with her and her husband (they're my age) but it seems like some weird sex shit might be involved, so i'm very hesitant.

the environment in the store is fine. when i first got there i thought it was too bright and open, but i quicklly adjusted to the open-air large-windows well air-conditioned environment...not only that, but i was in the music section and could somewhat control the music (important) and my buds in the cafe hooked me up with the good kind of coffee.

on the job, i met a girl who is nuttier than i am, due to PTSD, sexual abuse, etc...she hears voices that tell her to hurt herself...we bonded after a few months of working together, of course it took lots of beer, but we've been pretty tight ever since and she told me that i could have used my "medical condition" as a way to hold on to the job or sue the pants of em or whatever, like i could have said, "look yall know i have this condition" (which they do) and worked through it in the legal sense, but by the time it happened i was up to my ears in tension. the job was largely Something To Do, i made $6.50/hr, bullshit really, so with the potential gossip involved, i just didn't want to hold on or explain any longer.

one of the great things about working there was that i saw all sorts of books, including ones on people who are overly sensitive to light/noise/etc--i'm not truly like that (tho i appreciate you bringing that up, Noa), the crowds and lights were fine with me, sometimes i get freaked out at malls at christmas-time, but i think that's normal... :)

i've thought about disability but it's another difficult label to accept. i think, am i really "bipolar" or "borderline"? Do i legally want to declare myself "disabled"? What kind of self-fulfilling prphecy goes along with that?

my supervisor was actually very nice, as was my boss. i know i could have argued myself into further employemt, i just wasn't up to it for the social consequences involved, and i'm moving to another city in 2 months anyway.

i wish that employers would advocate for you--"hey, we know you're bipolar/depressed, go home tonight but please stay on!" but really, the bookstore was part of a large national chain in the swanky suburbs, at least 10 people a day turned in applications, and i'm sure that for their own convenience, not understanding How It Feels To Be Me, they'd rather higher someone healthier. can i blame them? no....but i also don't think it's right.

but for a smidge above min wage, i didn't feel like fighting.

i'm relieved that other people have felt the same way. about once or twice a month i get into a terribly antsy irritable state in which i have to do WHATEVER, in this case it called for walking 4 miles and getting drunk, seems pretty run-of-the-mill for me...

but every year these swings tend to become more pronounced. maybe it's the meds? someone says something funny and i dissolve into giggles. someone says something wrong and i'm sobbing. and then i'm stoic for no or any reason at all.

my next appointment with the pdoc is the 16th, and i'm going to ask for an increase in neurontin. i'm at 900 mg/daily now...at first i really fel;t much better, but now i don't feel anything except the prozac/klonopin combo, which i was on before the n. was prescribed.

thanks and love to you all,
sar


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poster:sar thread:12411
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20011006/msgs/12423.html