Posted by susan C on October 11, 2001, at 18:54:16
In reply to mixed state or lack of discipline?, posted by sar on October 11, 2001, at 17:59:03
> docs have thought at times that i've experienced "mixed states." regular civilians don't understand this concept and i'm doubting myself and confused...
> the situation: i was at work yesterday, at the bookstore. i've worked there full-time for 6 months have really enjoyed it, loving books and people and easy jobs and the occasional paycheck as i do.
> but every once in awhile the air in the store seems a bit turgid, i don't feel quite real and feel very ANGRY and agitated like if i can't get out of the store i'm just going to jump out of my skin. i've gone home a couple of times because of that.
> yesterday that's how i felt, really on edge, and i told my supervisor so. i told her i was in a bad mood and she told me to just not to talk to anyone. i told her that's not what it was about, she asked if anything bad had happened and i said no, she said that everyone gets into bad moods and you just have to deal with it. by this point, i was wringing my hands and felt like pulling my hair out, spitting nails then going for a long walk.
> my supervisor told me that if i left, i'd get an "occurence" which would be the last straw for me 'cos i was already on Final Written Warning for tardiness/absences. so i could stay, leave and get fired, or just straight-up quit. i chose the latter.
> i walked home 4 miles, bar-hopping the whole way, and i cried really hard. they were nice when i signed all the forms to quit, cool people, but then a dam in my throat broke and i sobbed hard as i walked down the highway, i don't know why, i cried cried cried like i haven't in awhile.
> i've spent today wondering if i should have just sat it through at work. is this just lack of discipline, willpower? i know i wouldn't have *really* pulled my hair out, but when i get into these agitated moods i have to whatever i feel like doing--which usually involves leaving, crying, drinking, sacrificing whatever (like a job i like) just to be OUT.
> is this normal?
My vote is 'mixed states'. Is that four miles the same one I walked not so long ago...thank you for sharing...i know that is a stupit thing fer me to say, but it is true...there just arent many people i know or even want to know who act like me. I can't comment on the drinking, that is not one of my 'challenges'.
I actually stayed at something part time for three years, then almost four...but the first was my own businesss and part time and there were lots of other things going on (I kept dreaming things up) and the second one was in big ticket sales...different people, great for manic, terrible when my meds stopped working and now...I can hardly look at people... (this board is where I try to 'come out') I haven't worked since 1997...oh, I hadn't realized it was that long...
depakote is the only thing that has helped even me out I'd say about, 25%, but hey, not counting the break throughs, I would say that was good...along with controlling my environment and trying to understand my triggers and having a 'medical advocate'. I am real sorry sar but I would have quit. Now, apply now for Social Security Disability Insurance. Have we talked about that before?
Mouse with that concerned look in her eye