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Re: (...) all that » Racer

Posted by Wendy B. on September 9, 2001, at 21:59:23

In reply to Sex, committment, old lovers, regrets -- all that, posted by Racer on September 9, 2001, at 14:09:45

I think these issues come up to teach us lessons, sometimes right when we most need them.

I think Phil is right, you don't want to see this other guy right now, not when your current relationship is causing you so much, umm, frustration. Seeing Mr. Old Flame is going to bring back all the passionate moments, and you'll go home to the significant other with a lot of resentment, which sounds like it's building anyway.

So take care of your own house and your own problems first... You may be able to see the old flame sometime, but it sounds like the time is not now.

The lesson? You don't have to settle for less than what you want, but you have to know what you want first. Take your man to therapy with you, and if that helps the two of you find your sex life again ('oh, it's right here under this pile of laundry...!'), great. Sometimes I think couples have to be reminded of why they loved each other in the first place, or they're not communicating well & the therapist might be able to help them with that. If he won't go, you'll have to decide whether sex is a make-or-break issue for you. For some people, it's not. IMHO, it is a make-or-break, definitely, but I know all couples don't feel the same.

You sound like a woman who understands her sexuality and finds it an important part of life. If you deny yourself a sex life that is exactly what you want, you will be doing harm to yourself. You are a real woman, and real women have needs! I have no doubt your depression will feed off this situation, & as you've hinted, it has already. I can imagine what it has done to your self-esteem... which is why you might have considered seeing the old flame again, because you may want to see if you're still attractive to somebody. But I believe that you are... I don't know you, but remember your posts from a while back, and wish you the best in this challenging time in your life. Hope your depression is under control for now, too --

Yours,
Wendy


> Weird, isn't it? Recently several people have mentioned an old lover of mine, someone I hadn't thought of in years. Almost 20 years, actually. Then I wrote to him, and he wrote back. He'd like to meet, and I'd like to see him, too, but I have some -- terrors, actually, but let's call them "concerns", eh?
>
> For one thing, I'm involved with someone now who is wonderful, tries so hard to be understanding of my depression, pushes me to keep going when I need it, helps me set limits on how far down I can sink before really fighting back, and shares many of my interests. That sounds more like a nursemaid than a lover, but I've never laughed so much with anyone in my life. The stupidest things can set us off, and I've never been with anyone who recognized all my jokes, even if he doesn't always get them. We do have problems, though, and one of those problems is jumping up in a big way over this situation.
>
> See, the old lover was exciting. Sexually exciting. No man has ever excited me so much before or since. Don't ask me what made the difference, since other men have done what he did, it's just that it only felt good with him. I'm excited and satisfied by my current love, but only when we actually make love -- which hasn't been for more than six months now! I've tried to initiate things, I've tried to talk about it, I've told him that I have a problem with this, but he says he's just so stressed from work, that it's not me, etc. Every time work calms down a bit, another crisis comes up for him. He denies anything else is going on, but something else is obviously going on. Not in the sense of another lover, that I trust. But something inside him, and I can't convince him to discuss it with me.
>
> Anyway, the problem is that I am truly in love with this man. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, forsaking all others. On the other hand, I'd love to see the old lover, catch up, throw back a few beers and belt out a few chorusses of "Those Were The Days" together. I don't think he'd be interested in trying to relive those knee-weakening encounters, hell, I don't even know if he was ever excited by me nearly as much as I was by him! I'm just afraid that I'm going to come home crying over what was and can never again be.
>
> Damn, someone say something, please? In the end, I'll doll myself up (as well as I can these days), have a cup of coffee or a lunch with the OL, and come home ready to cook and clean and care for my True Love.
>
> Maybe my real question is what the hell do I do with the man I have and love now? He's out of town right now, but when he comes back I'm going to suggest strongly that we see a marriage counselor or a sex counselor. He says all sorts of things, but won't DO anything. I'm so frightened that I'll find he doesn't really want me. Maybe that's why I haven't pushed so far.
>
> Argh! Thank God for people who understand these thoughts and fears. Thank you all, and Thank Bob, too, I guess. I'll be waiting to hear everyone's input, and watching Finian's Rainbow, with Tommy Steele, while I wait. Petula Clark really was lovely, wasn't she?


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poster:Wendy B. thread:11024
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010909/msgs/11056.html