Posted by sar on September 9, 2001, at 1:24:19
In reply to Re: Bikes and booze., posted by Phil on September 8, 2001, at 9:06:30
i'm so sorry to read about your joe and your mother. i can't imagine--i would feel like screaming in the woods for days.
i recently caused a dwi-related traffic accident and it haunts me everyday--no one was hurt thank god, but jeezus, i can't believe i did that...
do you drink? at all? do you feel you can drink even moderately?
i've been to a few AA meetings but they felt like church to me. they made me feel like drinking--the dim room, the co-ordinated discussion, the free-coffee smells...i feel like i'd have to go it onmy own, but i'm not ready.
a bittersweetness to my drunk-driving accident: my house had burned down a few months before, and the few possessions i'd managed to salvage, i'd stored in my car, then never had the heart to take them out. when i totalled my car, i literally lost all of my possesions--but i've still got my life.
i haven't driven anything but a bike since, and even that seems to be precarious. i have mixed hearts. i don't know what i want.
i don't want to be a danger to society.
if i'm going to be like this, i do not belong behind the wheel, or caring for children.
i want the Seriousness of Life to dawn on me. should i go meditate to the sound of water like siddharte? what is the answer? i don't jive with AA.
i expect no answers, i just wanted to share my thoughts...like an agnostic who can't bear to attend church except for intellectual reasons, i'm an agnostic alcoholic who can't bear to attend AA except out of curiosity. listening to drinking stories makes me feel like rushing out for a microbrew.
again, Phil, i am sorry about your best friend and mother. none of my friends have died, but many of my relatives have died by their own hand. i think that's why i want to pursue a psych degree.
like touching the burning stove to learn a lesson--
hope you are well...