Posted by akc on September 6, 2001, at 14:16:36
In reply to And how do we know when we are truly happy?, posted by kid_A on September 6, 2001, at 13:03:18
> Indulge me if you will...
I will . . .
With all that has been going on with my mother, and with my very unexpected reaction, I have been giving a lot of thought to emotions myself. I did not grieve over my dad, or his mother. My grandmother was the one person I said for years was the only person who ever loved me. I always wondered what was wrong with me.
Last night I was watching Star Trek Voyager. Ensign Kim fell in love with an alien he had to leave behind. Chemically he literally bonded with her. He refused medical treatment -- and instead very much grieves. Seven of Nine as she continues to grow in her humanity (this is in her first season) is trying to understand Kim's decision to feel instead of taking the medication.
How much of what has happened with me these past few years has been a refusal to feel? Maybe some of what I have been trying to medicate has been normal, everyday life feelings. Now definitely there are times that I have been clinically ill and definitely in need of treatment. But a lot of what you have shared -- it hits home.
I think as a society we do try so hard to avoid our feelings. If we aren't going to the doctor for our happy pill, we are getting it in a bottle or on the street. Maybe we aren't suppose to be happy that often. Maybe we are suppose to feel pain and other icky feelings.
My therapist asked me yesterday how my grieving was going. Now my mom is still very much alive. She could be here for some time -- we have no way of knowing -- it could be tomorrow -- it could be 2 years from now. That is just the nature of her condition. But the fact is my t is right -- I am experiencing grief right now -- something I have never really done before. It's leeking out in all sorts of ways and in all sorts of places. The important thing is that I am feeling. I am not medicating in any way. I'm "truly" feeling. Hopefully, in the same way, I'll know happiness when it comes.