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More on aloneness

Posted by AKC on August 12, 2001, at 13:34:40

A "friend" just called. Actually, the quotations are unwarranted. This friend has a lot of baggage and it is unfair to take my baggage out on her. But being in the space I am, her call hurts. She called yesterday and suggested dinner today. Being desperate for human contact, I said yes. But today she calls and cancels because she had scheduled too much on her plate, and me, being the new kid in town, is the one to go.

I spent some time last night considering what I need to do to make more human contact. My phone does not ring. That has to change. I will choose the road less traveled if I continue to have repeated depressed episodes. Actually, I have threatened my therapist and pdoc with taking my life the next time. Probably an idle threat because I doubt that I have the courage. Too many unanswered questions in my mind from my days of religion -- too many fears that the hell, fire and brimstone preaching I heard in my early twenties may be real. While intellectually I soundly reject such stuff, there is a part of me that must still believe, or I think I would just check out now. Because this pain I am in today is just not worth it. I cannot stand being alone any more. I cannot stand the phone no longer ringing. I have done this to myself -- but I don't have the patience to undo it -- nor the strength to tolerate the pain.

Your lonely hounddog


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poster:AKC thread:9358
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010812/msgs/9358.html