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Re: Possible trouble with a friend. » mgrueni

Posted by Glenn Fagelson on July 30, 2001, at 18:20:53

In reply to Re: Possible trouble with a friend., posted by mgrueni on July 30, 2001, at 8:21:53

> Hi Glenn,
>
> < He said that we create our illnesses and that we can think our way out of them. >
>
> Hmmm...sounds as if he thinks it`s your *fault* that you are depressed, because you created your illness? And furthermore it`s your fault that you cannot just "think it away" on your own????
>
>
> < there has been a part of me
> who has always felt that I should be strong and
> just think my way out of my illness >
>
> Oh yes... I know this *part* of myself very well.
> I now have recurring phases of depression for about 14 years, and never took any anti-depressants against it, neither had any *serious* Psychotherapy. And that is partly because drugs and Psychotherapists scare me, but mostly because I`ve been taught the following: "be strong or die" when I was 6 or 7 years old. This *advice* from my father became part of myself during the years. On the one hand I would say it made me *strong* in a way - I have despite of my depression a quite normal life (job, partner and all). But on the other I believe that the way I`ve been brought up plays a big part of my illness.
> I am not going to say that I found the perfect solution, but for me, a compromise was the best I could do. I know there is a great strength inside my heart but I try to see it as an *emergency reserve* which I only use if there`s no other way. Trying to be always strong does no good to you, quite the opposite, you drifting away into *pretending mode* and that is not *strong* at all.
>
> It took me a long time to accept my illness and to learn that it`s sometimes better for me to take my time and rest, instead of forcing me to be *normal*, just because I think that is, what others expect from me.
>
> Errr...I am doing a bad job on explaining, hm?
>
> What I am trying to say is, the most important thing is (in my opinion) to take notice of your own needs. It doesn´t matter what others think what you *should* do, because they are not in your place, so how can they know?
> If you feel it helps you to fight against your illness and if that makes you feel better, then fight. If you feel that you cannot go on with your battle at the moment, and that you need a break, then take your time and rest.
> Sometimes *faith* can be a great source of energy and there`s nothing wrong with it. But in the moment it starts to do any harm to you, because it makes you feel quilty if you don`t succeed and then think it`s all your fault, because you are not *strong* enough, then it`s time to recharge your batteries and allow yourself to feel depressed, to cry, to be down.
> Glenn, the fight against depression is one of the hardest things one can be confronted with and maybe it would be good if you don´t just notice your failures, but also your successes.
>
> Your friend...well, I am sure he wants only the best for you and thinks his advice (if you only took it and do what he says) would be a quick solution for all your problems. But it seems to me that it only made you feel worse, because you was looking for some support and understanding and the only message you *read out of* his words was: "you are just not strong enough, if you were you would not be depressed". Maybe you tell him about your feelings and what you expect from him as a friend?
>
> Take care,
>
> Micha
>
> PS: sorry for *rambling*.. this always happens when I try to explain something in a foreign language because I think I have to prevent *misunderstandings* and then use a lot more words than I would normally do.
>
> Arrgh... see what I mean? ;o)

Dear Micha,

Thank you for your input; I understood you
perfectly well. You are right; my friend's
comments only made me feel worse.

Glenn


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poster:Glenn Fagelson thread:8334
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010726/msgs/8396.html