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From a prodigal daughter

Posted by Abby on July 29, 2001, at 3:44:32

I have not been a regular for a while, partly because I wasn't online at home, and then when I did get a computer, the place seemed to have changed.

I haven't been very good about supporting other people here, but I could really use some help now, to be welcomed back.

For background it may be useful to read my post from Mother's day last year.

I saw my uncle, my mother's older brother, this week. He's always been the odd one out, viewed as manipulative etc., although I think he has mellowed somewhat. He's doing a kind of Travels with Charlie trip around the country. He's very cheap. Saving money is good, but I wish that he would get a denture to replace his front top teeth. He was much better put together ths time than last I saw him, and I've only really seen him about ten hours in the last ten years. 1.) he drove me and my grandmother to the airport 2.) my grandmother's funeral 3.) a post Christmas dinner a year later when he talked about the formerly taboo subject of my mother's suicide attempt and 4.) now.

He had some news about my mother via a nun he met at a Memorial Service. Apparently my Mom checked herself into a hospital of some sort. I have less hope about this than I think he does.

Anyway he gave me what was essentially reassuring news, that if my mother ever came back and wanted treatment he had resources available to help.

I actually enjoyed the lunch and was very relieved afterwards. I was incredibly anxious for the two days leading up to it (he just called out of the blue). But then the anxiety came back.

I saw my therapist on Friday, and I kept discussing feelings about my grandmother's funeral and incredible anxiety. She wanted me to take in that what I was feeling was a normal response to an abnormal situation, not a symptom of mood disorder. I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to meet with a client (I'm in law school now) or do good work in this state. My therapist was confident that I could handle a meeting even if I couldn't write a brief. But I'm still not so sure.

Yesterday I broke down in tears; it may be somewhat related to my period, but still. I don't have time for this right now. I need to find a new place to live, and I'm hugely embarassed that I haven't made more headway on that. I'm feeling somewhat paralysed. Not depressed really.

A few words of comfort and a cyber-hug would be much appreciated.





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