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Re: Strange bunch, I think not ... » AKC

Posted by Marie1 on July 28, 2001, at 8:41:02

In reply to Re: Strange bunch, I think not ... » Marie1, posted by AKC on July 27, 2001, at 13:30:06


AKC,
Thanks. I appreciate your thoughtful reply. Much of what you said strikes a chord in me. I come from a long line of alcoholics. I've *enjoyed* drinking since the first time I got smashed at age 15. I tend to associate with other people who drink. I don't want to admit I'm an alcoholic (how does one shorten that word??), and I think it's probably the stigma attached that bothers me. I think most people claim to accept that "a" is a disease, but treat those suffering from it with disdain. My mother-in-law, who died from complications of "a", used to make me sick. I have seen her drink vodka from the bottle in the morning, then vomit on the carpet. I never had any respect for that woman...
I'm not exactly craving alcohol during this on-the-wagon 6 weeks, but have to admit, I am looking forward to my first relapse!! < g > I'm enjoying feeling good - physically, and mentally, for the most part (like you, my depression has always considerably worsened when I drink). The biggest problem is, "a" has always been such a big part of my life, it's hard to find things to do instead. (Let's face it, psycho babble can only take up so much of your free time! < g >) My husband is an "a", as are many of my friends, and they certainly haven't changed their social lives. My pdoc wants me to develop relationships with people who don't drink - hence the AA. I don't know, I feel so resistent. Like a kid who is forced into going to church, I'm afraid I'll go with the wrong attitude. Again, thanks for your views on the whole thing; I'll definately keep tham in mind as I wrestle with this.

Marie


> AKC,
> >
> > Mind sharing some of your thoughts on AA?
>
> Don't mind at all. If you ever were to meet me in person, one of my major character defects is I don't know when to shut up!
>
> But now on a serious note, why AA? It is simple for me, I am an alcoholic. Ever since I finally admitted that, I have no problem saying those words. But understand, it took 22 years to realize that.
>
> My dad was an alcoholic. I vowed never to become one. But yet, I now believe I was one from the time I took my first drink. I took that drink at age 11. Why do I say I was one from that time? Because I can only think of a handful of times that I could only drink a couple of drinks. For me, one drink is not enough. If I have one, I am going to get drunk,it is that simple.
>
> Other alcoholics stories are somewhat different. But ultimately the story is the same. We all become powerless over alcohol. It begins to control our lives. We can't socialize without it. We can't go through our lives without thinking about it.
>
> I didn't drink daily like my father did -- but I thought about it daily -- I sweated until the next binge. And then add in my mental illness -- add in the suicidal depressions -- the alcohol began to give me the courage to act on those impulses. If I had continued to drink, there is not doubt I would have killed myself by now.
>
> I went almost three years in AA without a drink. This latest depression, I did relapse. However, since that relapse, for whatever strange reason, the obsession to drink has finally been lifted. I don't know why, but for the first time since I took that first drink when I was 11 years old, I feel free.
>
> But I still need AA -- the fellowship of AA is so important to me. After almost three years, the people there are my friends. There are jerks in AA as there are everywhere. But I have met some of the most wonderful, caring people I have ever met in AA. I feel lucky to have found AA. (Disclaimer -- each AA group has its own flavor -- try many groups -- one will feel like home -- it will become what is called your "home group").
>
> Higher power stuff. I was not raised in a church or any formal religion. But as a young adult, I got very involved in a very conservative church. And was pretty severely mentally and emotionally abused. I'm pretty hung up on the God stuff. Right now I have just made a deal with myself that I am just not working that part of the program. And I am not going to let myself get mad about other people's beliefs. Most people in AA and Alanon are pretty good about keeping their statements generic (i.e., not Christian or Jewish or some other flavor) -- that makes it easier for me. And I just work on being part of the fellowship -- that is where I get my strength.
>
> Are you an alcoholic? I have no idea. Your husband and your therapist, they can opine all they want. Only you can reach that decision. Most people in AA are of the belief that only you can make the decision on whether you want to get sober. If you are doing this for others, it usually won't stick. However, whether you are doing this for others or for yourself, it sure is a lot easier to do with others to help.
>
> Try an open meeting. An open meeting is for anyone -- those with or without a drinking problem. That way you don't have to "identify" yourself as someone who wishes to quit drinking (the requirement for a closed meeting).
>
> Therapy, group therapy, medication, AA and Alanon -- all of these are pieces of my recovery. Right now therapy is the focus - and will be for the near future. But AA and Alanon are huge, because without them, I would have no social outlet. Because bars and alcohol and that social life I can't do -- it would lead me down a path to certain death or insanity. That I know.
>
> Probably more detail than you wanted.
>
> AKC


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