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aud/vis. halucinations???

Posted by Gremmy on July 17, 2001, at 20:21:32

I have been experiencing for the past 3 yrs. now a person that is visable to me and touches me. I know he's not there, and I get violent and I can't even begin to tell you how many times I have cut myself. I recognize this person as someone I used to work around when I was an EMT for an ambulance company we both worked at. He was a jerk in real life and I can't understand why this is happening to me. I don't like being touched,pinched by other men and this is exactly what I perceive is happening to me and it has been effecting my whole being. Driving has even become a bad time, this crap comes on when I drive and turns me into an angry driver who only by some grace of God I haven't been in or caused a serious accident.
I am still an EMT, I work at a mental health urgent care and I try to keep hidden this torture that is happening to me.
Sometimes I can't sleep, my family has said that they have heard me say violent things at night, I have stabbed and slashed so many things to work out this anger that I have to keep buying new stuff and having to hide the damage I did to the other. A doctor put me on an anti-depressant "Zoloft" which I didn't like and quit taking. I am now on a weight loss med called "Meridia" which can be somewhat of an anti-depressant, but it's not helping me with this at all, only losing some weight which has been the only thing lately to make me happy. I have been suicidal,but I do not have the "guts" as it were to actually go through with it, I guess I fear Hell more than this so I just keep going along and cutting myself and other things. To tell ya the truth, if I actually saw this person and he were to touch me I would lose all sanity,if I haven't already, and I know I would kill him easily just like that. I have literally snapped at friends that have pinched me, going from easy going-funny guy to Dr. Jeckyl in a milli-second. I scare and worry myself, I don't know what to do anymore.




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