Posted by kid_A on July 17, 2001, at 19:03:08
I hate to compete with someone else's horrible day, I guess I just don't know what to do. But I just don't have anywhere else to turn and I only hope that someone somehwere somehow has some form of empathy, some empathic ability within them, maybe, perchance, god willing, whatever that may mean, to understand what I am saying...What kind of story could I tell, a brief instance of 1 long doomed relationship, sparse and sporadic short and doomed relationships, unrequited love, self loathing, a lifetime of the combination of the two, a lifetime of drinking to get drunk, of drug abuse quelled by my own drive to get beyond abuse, yet still a life time of needing to get beyond my own self, to get as far away from myself mentally as possible; a life time of impossible hopes and dreams; a life time of broken promises and abusers; a life time of emptiness and loneliness even amoungst friends, lonliness in the midst of a crowd... Utter and deplorable self hatred and an inability to climb above my own spires of depression to clouds above... unable to climb the mountainous rocky wastes of black clifs and cravasses that fall to nowhere, climbing up a little and falling back down again to the wastes below... taking one step forward and two steps back...
Week 6 on medication with a primary thrust of that being an interim dosage while i was out of the country... My moods flaten, oblique, they pan out and merge with the horizon, like the horizon at the merger of ocean and sky.... flat blue that sears together and becomes one thing, where up is down and there is no middle... then spikes of depression, black waves of anxiety amoungst the anhedonia and apathy, amoungst the lack of utter feeling... exclamation marks amountst the numbness of my every day life.
And it looks like it may be this way for the rest of my life, that medication wont help, there is always that chance, I'm going to give it my best shot, I really do wan't to live, but when I look at myself, and see myself depressed, I don't want to live a life of depression, of infrequent highs and terifying lows, of switching from medication to medication to find something that works. I truly feel for all of you have gone through so much to find what works, who are still searching... It scares me half to death to think I might not ever be able to control my depression to lead a normal life, that one day I will die young, sad, and ignorant of what I could have been, of what life is like for people who can shake off the blues with an iron will and determined oh yeah, can do spirit....
Calm blue ocean.
Calm blue ocean.
Calm blue ocean.does -anyone- know how I feel?
poster:kid_A
thread:7558
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010717/msgs/7558.html