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Re: Am I just too depressed to committ to anyone? » Greg A.

Posted by Marie1 on June 15, 2001, at 22:14:20

In reply to Re: Am I just too depressed to committ to anyone?, posted by Greg A. on June 15, 2001, at 16:42:20

>Greg,
My husband & I just "celebrated" our 19th anniversary, and I'm looking at this pretty much from the same perspective as you. Do you feel "in love" with your wife? (Sorry for the intrusive question from a total stranger; feel free to tell me to MMOB, if you want.) I mean, I don't - feel "in love" with my husband (not your wife!! :') I think I love him, yes, but shouldn't there be more than this? A lot of my friends who have gotten divorced seem to regret it and I'm trying to ride this out, but I seriously doubt if we'll ever be the way we once were. Like you, I wonder which came first... My husband has tried to be supportive (re: my illness) but has confessed that he's scared that, through therapy, I'll realize how unhappy I am and leave. I don't want him to be insecure, but I'm not so sure that won't happen. What do you say to reassure your wife? Plus, I've been comparing him with my pdoc (I know I shouldn't but I can't help it) and my pdoc seems infinitely more...everything. That adds to my frustration with my marriage. Sorry if I've been too personal with my questions. I've been wrestling with this for awhile and it was cool to read your post; I guess I'm not alone.
Marie

I can relate to your anxiety about relationships, but from a different perspective. I have been married for over 20 years and I should be very happy and content. We have 2 teenage girls and my wife and I both have good jobs. But where you worry you may be afraid to commit to something new, I worry that I am trapped in a situation that is not what I want or need. It’s a chicken and egg thing – Did I become depressed and stop enjoying my life or did the joy go out of my life and depression follow? My wife wonders too and sometimes asks if maybe I would be happier with someone else. I sense that she is tired of my depression and does not want to spend the rest of her days with someone who seems unhappy with her. Is this all a part of relationships? Do these questions have to come up and either be resolved or force you apart? You say you have a hard time with the anxiety the relationship causes you but that you were just as anxious when you left before. A good piece of evidence that your anxiety may have little to do with the relationship. I know that I have often looked to other women as an ‘opiate’ to relieve the pain of depression. That initial high you get from someone new. But experience has taught me that the high is short-lived and the flaws you overlooked in the beginning start to loom very large. A friend advised me – “Be careful what you wish for – it just might come true.” He said that some years after leaving his wife and 2 young kids for another woman. I took it to mean he would have stuck it out given another chance because what he got was less than he had thought and not nearly what he got from his first relationship. It sounds as if you are with someone who you can talk to, who will go to counseling with you and show you support when you need it. He will hear your doubts about him and not react vindictively. Sounds pretty good to me Roo.


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