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Re: Is there a positive side?

Posted by mila on June 5, 2001, at 16:55:06

In reply to Is there a positive side?, posted by Jane D on June 5, 2001, at 13:07:34


Hello Jane,

I do not really know what to say. I felt the way you describe in your post when i was on SSRI, and for a month or two after. Today I feel so terribly healthy, i quess I am rewriting my memories...

the redeeming value of decades of my untreated depressions and anxieties for me in that they have formed a sharp background for my today's happiness. I am happy and aware of it today, before illness hit me I was happy uncounscously.

you say that during illness you thought about less and less clearly, in my case it is the opposite. I did more and learned more, arguably, I did and I learned things only a depressed person would need to, but so it happens that my son developed some problems and i was able to help him because I recognized the pattern where his teachers, doctors, and school psychologists hadn't. I did felt more intensely, although on the negative side of the range.

when I compare myself to other people I see that i learned more than many, although healthy people in the same time learned deeper. They lack the breadth of knowledge I got, I lack their depth and achievements. still, I do not see any reason to despair or even to furrow my brow, because I am not even 40 yet and a lot lies ahead of me.

I learned that I have an enormous degree of control over my own and other people's thoughts and feelings, but first I had to learn just how horribly unskilled I am in this area.

to me the last 30 years of my life were like walking through a wall of blizzard. It was incredibly heavy, painful, and slow. It's just I am so proud today that I have survived and emerged on the other end of it. I gave myself some time to cry over my losses, or what seemed like losses (years, opportunities, health, unborn children, career, etc.) Now resentment and regret seem to be over too.

the "best" loss of all was to me the loss of all my friends and loved ones. The first 20 years of this trend I recognized the pattern, but did nothing about it, the last 10 years it really sucked. Now i appreciate every person I meet on my way. people are tremendous both in their greatness and misery. I love it all. I learned how to forgive.

I do not see it as mostly a loss today, it was just life, like any other. I do not know what is worst: to lose every member of your family and stay sane, as my friend from Yugoslavia had, or to have it all and not enjoy it as I did because of the devastation of a different kind, from within. Who's to judge.


mila


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