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Ruminations while home sick

Posted by ksvt on January 26, 2001, at 12:32:34

I stayed home from work today because I'm sick - I have a pretty bad cold, but it occurred to me that 4 or 5 years ago when I was supposedly REALLY depressed, I'd have never missed a day of work for this. Even if I went in an closed my office door and spent most of the day staring out the window or doing busywork I still did it because I was afraid that otherwise I would be capitulating to my illness. As depressed as I was, I also just assumed that I'd get better in a permanent way. 5 years later, I'm so jaded. Being home sick feels like I am sort of giving up. It's harder for me to delude myself that I will get better for any appreciable time, anyway, and its hard to hope for something better. I've cut down on my work load and work hours to reduce my stress and instead of this being an improvement, it just feels like it takes even less to trigger really depressive thoughts. It's like the less I work, the less I feel that i can work. My family needs my income and I'm in a profession that sort of requires that you be around to keep people happy. I don't know where this is headed, I just had to vent. ksvt


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