Posted by ksvt on November 22, 2000, at 12:37:25
In reply to Re: Suicide Web Site » Dasypodidae , posted by shar on November 22, 2000, at 7:56:23
> >I weigh in here with immense trepidation, I know people on this board are super sensitive to even the hint of criticism. However, dysypodidae kindly acknowledged my last post, and dasypodidae and shar have been discussing something that's pretty uppermost for me now. Thinking about suicide has been something of an obsession of late. This is something I've struggled with, not since childhood like you Shar, but for about 5 years or so since I started being treated for a second episode of major depression. For me, it's like a voice that's always lurking in the background and sometimes comes to the forefront and gets loud and persistent. It doesn't seem to take a hell of a lot to trigger it and at some point it does quiet down, but the frequency and length of the "visits" can make it very tough to deal with. I have 2 kids, a 12 year old and a 15 year old, who but for occasional displays of the dual personalities of adolescents, are great kids. I can be very critical of the job I do as a parent and I can think that they deserve a more competent, less self-absorbed parent but I have never ever deluded myself into thinking that they would be better off if I killed myself. I don't view this as doing anyone any favors issue - this is just me finding it oppressively tough to live with me. As I'm sure you all know, thinking this way is profoundly isolating. It's not something I can share with my husband. I feel lately like my pdoc has sort of withdrawn from the scene, and I really don't think there is anything he can do anyway.Lastly, I'm so embarrassed by my lack of progress on this issue, that I really don't think I can talk about it much with my therapist. I'm really sort of afraid that she's going to give up on me, which is sort of stupid since I've sort of given up on me. So right now I just brood about it (unwillingly), and feel like I'm engaged in a huge exercise in futility. Those of you who have ever watched Star Trek will remember the watchwords of the Borg "resistance is futile."
When I first started coming to this board, I was overwelmed by the amount of support and caring that I saw. My feelings now aren't quite as charitable. I see lots of examples of nonresponsiveness or flip responses or insensitive responses or no responses. When Dr. Bob posts one of his "be civil" responses, people seem to be knocking each other over to come back to him, but the person who posted the original offending comment, and the reasons the remark was made, gets very easily lost in the shuffle. Hannah, may have had some rough edges, but she also could be very kind. I think it sucks frankly that she was blockedand blocked so abruptly. You may not have read her remarks as truly suicidal, but I certainly read anger and despair. I thought the level and immediacy of her distress should have been taken into account, before her voice was cut off. A person shouldn't be ignored or their suicidal ramblings discounted simply because they're not likely to carry through with their threats. I've been asked on numerous occasions if I considered myself to be "at risk." I always thought that this was an absurd question because the term "at risk" seems to be a psychiatric term and I'm not qualified to draw medical conclusions. Nearly all of the time I've said no because I think the image of my children will always stop me. However, trusting that I won't take that last step doesn't make thinking about it any more tolerable. Knowing that I'm going to spend the rest of my life drifting in (mostly in apparently) and out of these states, can be very intolerable. ksvtI certainly don't intend any criticism of you...
>
> D--
> None taken. I'm very sure of what I didn't hear.
>
> Shar
poster:ksvt
thread:2943
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20001117/msgs/3150.html