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Re: Misery?? » Racer

Posted by shar on November 13, 2000, at 13:16:24

In reply to Misery??, posted by Racer on November 13, 2000, at 12:54:55

I think having no job influences that because in our society we are such work-ethic lovers. I can relate to what you've said, and no matter what I do right now, or how successful it is, I have this nagging feeling or a cloud over my head, and I think it is unemployment related.

Not 100% so, but enough that it matters. So, I don't really have any wonderful wise ways to counteract whatever is tugging on you, except to count your successes and celebrate them.

Hope that helps a little.
Shar

> I don't know what's going on. Over the weekend, I was miserable. Depressed? I don't know. I felt hopeless, worthless, a total failure: not even a spectacular failure, just the run of the mill failure.
>
> The anti-depressants are working, I guess, but I was suddenly miserable. My poor SO was so nice to me, and I wanted to tell him that I really wasn't reacting to anything about him, just getting hit by something. I don't know if he believed me. He was very sweet, though.
>
> We had a nice weekend, went to Carmel-by-the-Sea, had a gentle Sunday, he went back to bed, I read fairy tales on the sofa (that's allowed, even for Lumptonian Messiahs, isn't it?) I fell asleep, unplugged the telephone, eventually woke up and we went shopping, bought a leg of lamb, then I made him a polarfleece pullover (which ended up too big, despite his matching the measurements for that size perfectly), and started laying out a fake fur skirt for me. That means that even some of my very favorite things in the world didn't cheer me. George MacDonald fairy tales. Sewing, on polarfleece which is warm and soft and cozy, using my fabulous serger which my SO gave me for my birthday. How could that NOT make me feel better? Laying out a skirt on violet leopard fake fur? What the heck is going on?
>
> Way deep inside me, I could feel a little place where I was getting some satisfaction from sewing. I know that the pullover is excellent, if large. I know that the skirt is going to be wonderful, well made, etc. What's wrong?
>
> Part of it is a feeling that there's something I haven't done and that's what makes me such a horrible person and failure in all things in all ways. I don't quite know what it is, but I can't shake the feeling. I'm not crying or hiding under the bed, but I feel so dragged out, so worthless, and yesterday I was convinced that there was no hope at all, that death was the only release.
>
> Mind you, despite that, I do think that death should stay back: I want to walk through that door into the satisfaction I know I have the potential for. I want to show everyone that I can step out of my chrysalis and spread my beautiful new wings, still damp and glowing, to the sun. It's not that I'm actively suicidal, just that I feel pretty profoundly hopeless.
>
> So, my fellow Lumptonians, any thoughts? Pour forth your wisdom, to salve my wounds.


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