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'my girls' really really need you, need ur hugs

Posted by Fivefires on July 10, 2009, at 10:18:35

After 14y filed o*derofp*otection & xsig violated. I called c*ps. Id been cryin day Michael J died. He'd said I could ALL WAYS ALWAYS reach by phone. But like always (im an i*iot) he was MIA again. When finally called, was hot screamin' angry w/ me cuz he and a guy friend had a prob' I had nothin' to do with. A gemini man very into his private life and me another life. I guess im a fool who thot i was luv'd and kept, ya know, out of the trouble, cuz he's like a James Bond/then clumsy lazy oaf/then Dick Tracy/then Billy the Kidd. Ya' get where I'm goin? Artist who gave it up cuz mania v streetdrug since Ritalin as a boy. Watches Discovery, knows a lot, intelligent, selfish, most tender touch ever felt, best ever to me in br. He stol* from $ to drain stopper.(?) Ive spent these yrs tryin rehab this and he was gettin better. I b-leave in truth no matter cost or pain; am I wrong have I been wrong all my life. He b-leave lil & big lies re: money location etc to protect another's (me) feelings. He's almost got me convinced this is the way to be. Im not so much that I walk up to pp and say u r ugly. Idk what ugly is. I dont hurt pp w/ something they cannot help. But I do hurt them w/ something they could help. And I guess this is what did to IC*. Said need more deodorant, won't sleep w/ head in ur armpit unless you have t-shirt on, will u stop talking for a while cuz i can't keep up and I wanna talk, or, this kind of honesty, yes. Im bad aren't I? I used to be diff'. I popular but didn't ever make fun of less fortunate like best friend or call my mother bad names like best friend. Had a lot of friends. Now not1 IRL. Had2 end 15yrs of part of the time loving & no1 has called to comfort me. (WAIT..there is 1. I have 1. She is w/ 2 children and giving birth any day. She sends me a sad face text message. She comforts me. Just she. She's a lot but I cant take all her comfort cuz she has to giv to children and husband. I could use you my friends now. I sorta think Ill never be loved again or love again & mother leave out of will and I will be homeless. Have huge famofori*in and myfamhereofaboutsix, not living w/ me tho' cuz like I said, I turned diff' after a 10y DV marriage ending up ruining i.


All stay away from me cuz complain or cry or need need them.

Where'd I go? Did my soul leave me empty? Did i become agoraphobic bcuz life kept rejecting me? I am blessed, but I DONT FEEL ANYTHING. I AM NUMB, well except for real downs like this is bad w/ once in a very miniscule fleeting moments a time kinda HIGH LIKE MANIA, BUT I'M TALKING LIKE one-half of a DAY IN 2MOS; like a reaction to some spinach of something. Never been dx'd bipoler. Im PTSD, GAD.

Me is gone. I want me. U woulda liked me. I was nice.

Sometimes I get in bed and my body tenses up w/ thoughts of how alone and unlovable am. No calls, no visitors, no one notices I'm missing, sometimes for 3days in a row, and I freeze in the fetal position and I get stuck that way .. have a hot flash and covers over me and still can't move to get them off me.

I have to force a BREAK & jump up or out of bed.

Im in an aloof, sorta half-angry mood, going to get something to drink from the fridge. i shake my waist length black hair at the world that isn't there, in a Fyou sorta way, snubbing not one single soul.

I'm being persecuted. I'm a very old soul.

Will 'my girls' find me here 10derheart?

I need magirls!! I need yous .. you all know who you are. Oh how I wish you were here. I am so very alone IRL and thinking after what ive done will always be so painfully alone

i don't deserve you all cuz Ive been away 2long

can't private email cuz no1 wants fix my pc here

no one wants to hear me complain anymore in emails or ask for things like food cuz dotter took car to use and never brot back and Im stuck in this stucco tower surrounded by strange people and I just figuratively killed the prince of the streets.

comfort pls?? need u girls my friends here
wish could hug
sorry if my post is a little off the wall
im really just so sad and lonely

mot*er chose to shun me I came down pretty hard on bros spouse about something and she chose he, not me Im not welcome home now bros spouse prob' happy i sit on propertyowned by mo**er till sells for gain

i had everything and now they seem to enjoy seeing me 'turn to dust all alone'

i didn't mean to make them jealous

i didn't mean for someone to choose me instead of them

i didn't mean to get chosen when they didn't

now, when need, all say, help urself

said to sis (they all wanted me to end this) 'did it after 14yrs', why u not call w/ comfort? aren't u proud of me?

said 'im bizee. being proud of self is imp. thing then she used her usual sign off, . . .

enjoy the journey (did she realize?)


wanted to say, jeez, tks, and shove it where the sun don't shine!

am i wrong or what would you gals say?





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