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I am determined to screw up a good thing

Posted by Bird Watcher on February 3, 2009, at 16:10:04

My husband has put up with so much over the years. But lately, things have been wonderful, and we were closer than ever. Until last weekend...

Last weekend I acted psycho out of nowhere. I went ballistic because one of our rooms was dirty, the kids were getting on my nerves, I was having a herpes outbreak, and getting ready to start my period. I also hadn't had enough sleep for 4 nights. I couldn't find something, and started screaming about it and the messy room. I yelled horribly at the kids. I asked my husband why he was going to drink Jack for the 3rd night in a row. And all this was on his birthday. I had baked him a cake, got him some presents, and basically fixed him dinner, but he cooked the steak (he's better at it).

Anyway, he asked why I was going off about him drinking Jack and I said that I felt that it might be a crutch for him (he doesn't drink nearly as much as he used to). I told him that I had bought a bottle of $35 wine and why wasn't that his first choice, etc., etc.

Need I mention that I am in my 40s and for the first time in my life I've been having palpitations (scares me to death, it happens 50-100 times a day and I've never had it happen before). I sometimes feel light headed like I'm about to faint when it happens. At the moment we are between insurance coverages (he is now self-employed) and I haven't been to the doctor because I don't know if it's serious or not (palpitations) and we can't afford $100 minimum plus all the tests they will run, to probably tell me it's nothing anyway.

He's been cold and sarcastic ever since. This morning I was trying to make a fresh start, and cooked a nice, healthy breakfast, and he refused to eat it, going for oatmeal because it's "healthier". He usually NEVER eats breakfast. He was simply trying to spite me. I threw the whole wheat banana nut loaf I baked with all organic ingredients at him in the pan (it was not hot) and it smashed all over the hardwood floor and chipped it. He got more sarcastic with me, then I threw a handful of the banana nut loaf in his face. He is over my crap and mad as hell and I don't blame him. Yet until the birthday incident, we had never been more in love. Now things are horrible. We yelled horrible things in front of the kids that we have never done before and they were crying. He hates my mother, and hates the religion I was raised in, although neither he or I practice it or attend that kind of church. He blames my f-d up emotions and opinions about alcohol and health on them.

What it all comes down to is he is mad for me talking about his Jack usage. As long as I tell him how lucky I am to be with him (and I am lucky to be with), things are wonderful. If I have any kind of critique to give him, he shuts me out emotionally.

He hasn't spoken to me all day and it has been getting worse. Please don't tell me to see a therapist right now because we have two mortgages right now (one is for sale out of state). Money is extremely tight and we don't have any left until we sell the house, which will be at a loss. We simply don't have the cash or the available credit right now.

I just want to know how I should communicate with him and respond to his anger right now. Even if he gets over this, I have this horrible feeling something has changed forever in this relationship. I love him very much and he, me, although it feels different now. We've been married well over 10 years.

I don't want to lose him. I have overcome bulimia but still deal with a lot of anxiety. Overall, it has been much better until last weekend. It came out of nowhere. Help. I want to die right now. I hate myself.




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