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Re: Psychology assessment

Posted by alexandra_k on September 26, 2013, at 18:34:06

In reply to Re: Psychology assessment, posted by alexandra_k on September 26, 2013, at 0:28:20

I feel really fragile right now. In a way that... I don't know that I think it is good.

I need to walk to the clinic. On the way... There is an overpass that I need to walk over. A lot like the one that I jumped off. I don't like that. I don't like that that is there. It is much busier. And I remember being very conscientious before, about the lights, so that I didn't cause any car crashes. This one is over the motorway proper so there isn't a break in the traffic. So I... I wouldn't. Even without that. I wouldn't. I'm fairly. Almost sure.

I saw a KFC by the clinic yesterday. I haven't had KFC in years... But I walked back in the evening. Just to see about how I felt about that overbridge I guess. I am almost sure I wouldn't. But I don't like that it is there.

I don't like that I'm in this place again. Of feeling very very small and very very vulnerable and fragile. Of feeling that (being very afraid to admit that) there could be some kind of risk of my externalizing intense pain again... I guess it is pain of rejection. Of being dismissed.

I got to reading the archives a bit last night. Which... Gets me reminiscing, rather. And I see a lot of potential for me to go back, yeah...

With my T in Australia. Well... We figured out on the interview that I saw him for a while, yeah. What was it... Like... 4 years or something... The archives... I remember finding... That beneath the painful feelings. Beneath the unacceptable feelings. There is nothing there. It is like I dissolve out into the ether. And it is a terrifying place to be. And I need someone to hold me together. And... What is the point? What is the point of going through that? When people want me to get to that keep pushing to get to that and then... They aren't there or they can't be there or whatever. why would I go through the pain of that over and over? What good will come of it? Why? I don't understand. What is it for, what is it about? How the hell is this even supposed to help again? I don't understand.

I WILL work today. Because I must. It is the only thing...




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