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Re: hoplelessness

Posted by alexandra_k on July 11, 2013, at 22:31:02

In reply to Re: hoplelessness » alexandra_k, posted by Dinah on July 11, 2013, at 21:23:26

> I know nothing about theses, but plenty about avoidance. However, the only advice I could give would be hypocritical, since I can't seem to manage my own avoidance *at all*. Even knowing that it makes matters worse.
>
> I do, however, find that if I want to avoid avoidance at all, I need to take a Risperdal to ease my anxiety. A lot of my avoidance is due to anxiety. What do you do to manage anxiety, other than avoid?
>
> What do you need to do to apply for the extension? Can you break it down into smaller pieces?
>

i am getting it done.

i think you are onto something with respect to anxiety management. i think posting the stuff here helped with that, a bit.

partly... it is about trust. my supervisor says that, even. if you really want to do it... then you need to trust that things will work out okay. the story goes (i'm not even actually sure if the story is true at this point, i'm too scared to ask him in case it is not true) that he didn't get a job for 11 years. just got teaching assistant (one semester contracts) here and there... it took 11 years before he got a proper job as a philosopher.

and so... he doesn't have much time for people who can't stick out a crappy season or two. i also... heard that just the other day he (finally!) got a major research grant that he has been missing out on over the past few years. at a time when the economy is particularly bad re: research funding, too. hopefully that puts him in a good mood...

for me... i think it is about thinking of success as formulaic.

most people have theories as to why they failed to make the profession work for them. they complain about how nobody will ever read their thesis (well, how many alive people did you read and cite so what do you expect?). they complain about how nobody cares about what they are working on (well, how many peoples work did you express an interest in?) most people complain about how everybody is stupid (why act surprised when people treat your work like it is stupid?) and so on...

my supervisor wrote a book. this is hard to describe / explain... but for me... it describes / explains his relative absence (to his family - including his academic family). the book is about... well... that doesn't matter... engaging in a little interpretation... the book is about... us. the community. how people are raised and encultured into the community. anybody who wants to can be part of it, but harder if you aren't located there... the book... was stuff he had been intensively working on since 2006 and i'd been located where he was for about half the year of most years since then... gone to the seminars he'd gone to... and listening to what other people were working on... seeing aspects of us all. influences on him...

he says that it isn't about standing on the shoulders of a giant... rather, it is about standing on the shoulders of countless ordinary folk each of whom is doing their very best to contribute to something.

i see me in there.

i see work i should have done years ago... but i was too busy being all 'its too hard, i can't do it, i don't want to do it' and i insisted on going off to independently forage so it's my own fault i got lost. the prodigal has returned. perhaps. we'll see. i f*ck*d up many opportunities (i see the sense in a variety of things now including the value of peer review as potential collaboration and book reviews as service to profession and indicating willingness to contribute to the area - potential collaboration, again)...

i feel like... i understand things sufficiently.

only... of course i still don't. because if i did... i'd be done ahahahahahah.

i suspect... my next lesson is in how when I think i'm finished... when i think i've done the final thing... that means there is only 6 months of revisions ahead of me. i think that will be the next lesson.

___

sorry... processing things processing...

this extension is just a ticking the box extension. it is because it is precisely half way through the year and they are checking in what i'm up to. i was meant to be starting physiotherapy next week, you see. instead i will be applying for an extension to finish my thesis.

but...

i want to try and get my supervisor actually interested in that murky bit in the middle. not that he will do it for me, exactly... well... he can either okay my best effort or he can help me fix it it is up to him. it is something he cares about getting right, though. at least... that is what i need to try and do.

if he thinks i'm too hopeless he'll probably just cut me.

but i don't know if he can at this stage since i'm actually jumping up and down all excited about his book.

which makes me kind of cute and cuddly and hard to resist.

?

 

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poster:alexandra_k thread:1046976
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