Posted by SLS on March 26, 2012, at 22:38:04
In reply to Grief vs. Depression (A downer about death), posted by stewie on March 26, 2012, at 16:08:00
I am off to bed, and won't be able to give your post the attention it deserves. Maybe tomorrow.
> I just lost my beloved brother to suicide last week.
I can't help but to feel both anger and sadness for your loss. I am angry at these illnesses. They steal so many of us.
> And having seen what this has done to my Mom and Dad, I realize that no matter how worthless I may feel, I can never attempt suicide again -- as long as there are people alive who love me. This makes me feel panicky rather than relieved in some way. (just an aside)
This more than just being an aside. It is a major issue that you should feel more trapped by life now that you are prohibited from ending it. It's a lot of pressure, and a commitment to enduring life regardless of how bad it gets. It is understandable that you should feel panicky rather than relieved. You used to have a way out. Now, there is no way out.
I am happy that you will be around for awhile.
I lost my father two years ago. I remember how surreal the experience was for me. My mind did not want to register the reality that he was irretrievably gone. I spent a great deal of time crying and pacing. I offered no resistance to this catharsis. Interestingly and importantly, my MDD did not worsen during this time. I still maintained a partial improvement that I owed to drug treatment; Abilify being one of them.
There are no prohibitions on the way you are allowed to feel, whether it be about your brother's death or of your having to live with a painful and frustrating illness. Try not to lie to yourself about how you feel and what you "should" be feeling. There are no scripts to follow. Well, that's not completely true. There is one that I know of. It is a rather simple diagrammatic description of the grief process. The model was developed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book, "On Death and Dying". Her initial model described 5 stages of grief. It works. You will find modifications involving as much as 7 stages. I would like to see you study these models and learn how you might use the insights you gain such as to process your grief in a normal, healthy way.
I wrote more than I intended to. Oh, well.
Some see things as they are and ask why.
I dream of things that never were and ask why not.
- George Bernard Shaw