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sick to death

Posted by g_g_g_unit on March 24, 2012, at 23:27:59

Yesterday I was feeling tired because I haven't been sleeping well on Parnate, so decided to spend the day in bed. My behavior wasn't particularly out of the ordinary: I sat on my laptop, surfing the internet and listening to music.

My mother had seen me that morning. At 3pm, she burst into room, informing that she'd called the crisis team because "she couldn't deal with my depression anymore". Due to privacy strictures, they refused to speak to her - and I to them - so that was the end of that. I handed her a book on OCD and suggested that maybe she do some reading up instead of calling emergency; she threw it to the ground, muttering "what's that going to help?"

This is the third time she's called the crisis team without necessary provocation. She's tried to call my psychiatrist before and threw a tantrum when he refused to speak to her.

I'm stranded in a semi-strange country. I just found out that the disability package I'm entitled to - as a 2-year resident - would barely cover housing, food, in addition to my psychiatric costs.

Just last week, I went to her and explained that I was feeling extremely uncomfortable living at home and didn't want to be put in a position where I felt the need to OD again. She assured me that my concerns were unfounded, literally assuring me that "if I wanted to spend all my time in my room, I could" and that "I didn't need to put on airs for anyone around [the house]".

I am so assaulted by OCD that all I ask is for some space in which to [try to] recover. But that's so clearly beyond her. I asked if she'd be willing to speak to my OCD therapist and she said no. She's a pathological narcissist who has to try and foster hysteria wherever possible. She's also impervious to criticism; after we met with my psychiatrist and I brought up the fact that I felt there was a lack of understanding on her part, she later berated me "for trying to make her look bad in front of him".

I'm not sure what to do anymore. I enjoy the comforts that accompany living at home. I think that abandoning myself to the state system would be dangerously alienating. My only friends here are a couple who have said that I can come and stay with them for a few days. It isn't an ideal situation - he's a temperamental alcoholic - but I feel some need to punish my mother for what she's done (i.e. completely undermining my trust) and I know that simply leaving and cutting off contact for even a few days would completely devastate her. My other option is to try and speak to my uncle, who is a doctor, and see if he might be willing to counsel her somehow, though she'd be furious that I spoke to someone behind her back (she often paranoically presupposes that I'm "running down the family" in therapy).

It's just sad that it's come to this. I think about how I was once gifted, bright, had a promising future, and now, in addition to the crushing vicissitudes of mental illness, I have to contend with a monstrous carnival of a family life. The problem is I just don't care enough about being alive to either stay and make things work or leave home. I feel utterly trapped.




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poster:g_g_g_unit thread:1013892