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Re: 'Who doesn't want to kill the father?' sleepygirl2

Posted by g_g_g_unit on February 27, 2012, at 6:35:06

In reply to Re: 'Who doesn't want to kill the father?' g_g_g_unit, posted by sleepygirl2 on February 25, 2012, at 9:57:03

> And money, well, I've accepted that, a number of times from her. Sometimes it feels like I'm selling my soul, but in a way, it's how she knows to relate.

Yes. This. I feel sick accepting their money.

> That "who says" thing, that sounds particularly annoying. Sounds like you have to justify yourself.

Yeah, it was the first thing that came to mind, but there's been more - mostly deriving from ignorance (I hope?). Still, I guess my parents have been nice in that they've stopped pressuring me to look for work, though it did take a meeting with my psychiatrist (after I was bed-ridden with fatigue) to reach that point. My explanation alone wasn't enough.

It's hard because I fluctuate between feeling like the victim and victimizer. I was reading that one function of splitting (in abuse victims) involves seeing yourself as wrong to protect your abuser. I know there's that involved here, but at the same time, I've been less than forgiving in the way I ignore my parents, flaunt my depressed moods etc. But then again, maybe their childhood treatment pushed me to that point, so it's kind of like chicken-and-the-egg.

> You sound like, due to many complicated factors, that the situation leaves you in a helpless kind of state.

I know. I'm just scared, because, at my most alienated and frustrated (6 months ago), I overdosed because I couldn't stand the backstabbing, vicious comments from my mother etc. anymore. Things like the confrontation with my father that prompted this thread leave me feeling very uneasy and fearful of being abandoned, and it's very easy to regress into suicidal thinking.

> I keep quiet, don't make waves, don't say how I feel, stay under the radar.

> ...just know, that you don't deserve it.

Thanks. That means a lot.




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