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'Who doesn't want to kill the father?'

Posted by g_g_g_unit on February 25, 2012, at 7:53:55

I think of that quote every day lately. It's from Dostoevsky (by way of Bukowski's "Ham on Rye").

I hate my dad. I've never fully understood why. He's passive-aggressive and controlling; I remember how, as a teenager, each time I'd make some (in my eyes) harmless transgression, like accidentally leaving a used glass on the countertop, he'd blow his fuse. I was never permitted to defend myself. Things always had to be his way. Eventually, for all his niceties, I just gave up on trying to have a relationship with him.

I'm not sure if that was unfair on my part. But I just feel sick whenever I'm around him. He makes me uneasy. He'll behave extremely pleasantly, but then I never know when he's going to 'turn'. He's defensive. He can't take criticism. If I say one wrong thing, it sets him off. He sets out to blame you for your mistakes. There's no integration to his personality. From what I understand, he had a very emotionally abusive relationship with his father.

What's sad (or funny?) is that I work for him two days a week. We drive around for 6 hours in near-complete silence. I just can't bring myself to say a word to this man.

And yet, I'm dependent on him for money, shelter, food. Next month, I'm finally entitled to receive disability. I could move out, but it would leave me on quite shaky financial ground.

I'm not sure what the solution is. Maybe it's my own psychological state, but I feel so alienated and uneasy at home, like I might be thrown out at any minute. Both my parents have clear deficits in empathy. This post was triggered because my leaden paralysis became so bad these past few days that I literally haven't left bed. When I tried to explain what was going on - that I feel things are deteriorating - my dad started interrogating me, asking me "Who said so?", as if some authority figure has to give their seal of approval.

He thinks I don't talk to him because I'm depressed. It makes no difference. I could be high on Ecstacy and despise him. My psychiatrist says I've formed a worldview where people are inherently hostile, dictatorial, narrow-minded and desperate to blame/fault me. It's not hard to see where that came from.

But is it wrong to not forgive someone for lashing out at you from time-to-time? Those teenage memories are just so vivid - like scars. I have no recollection of him in my childhood, so there may be more.

I feel like I kind of have the choice now of leaving, or trying to suppress all my inner turmoil and exchanging pleasantries to keep our household intact. My psychiatrist is doubtful the latter plan would work. He claims my subconscious would never allow it, that the only solution is to stand up to a bully.




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