Posted by Daisym on May 25, 2011, at 0:10:44
I'm fat. I'm ugly. I'm tainted. I'm ruined.This is what I finally blurted out today when my therapist asked for the millionth time - "why is it so hard for you to allow your loving feelings for me?"
I tried to answer: "Because...because..." and then the words got stuck, the tears started to pour out and I just couldn't say them. He waited. And waited.
And then he asked, "what makes it so hard to say the words? We say everything in here." So I told him that it was a truth deeply held and saying it out loud made it even more real - and I cried some more and then just blurted those 8 really true, really horrible words.
So much for self-esteem, self-confidence or being OK with myself. I just don't think I'm allowed to care about anyone - and I certainly am not allowed to expect any caring in return. I'm sure it must set off thoughts of "ick, ew, no, never" in the other person. Rejection is expected and yet still mortifying and unbelievably painful.
It was an intensely painful session as we peeked into this dark place. I felt totally exposed and drained afterward. I can't help but wonder if all the work we've done so far was leading to really admitting how much self-hatred I carry. It feels impossible to change what feels like a soul truth.
I've said a lot of things out loud in therapy. This is by far one of the hardest. I'm not even all that sure why. Or why I want to share it here. I guess there are so few people who might get this. It isn't about convincing me that it isn't true. I'm not fishing for compliments. I just want to hide it all again.
poster:Daisym
thread:986163
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110511/msgs/986163.html