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Re: borderline personality disorder

Posted by Annabelle Smith on October 1, 2010, at 1:09:37

In reply to borderline personality disorder, posted by Annabelle Smith on September 24, 2010, at 21:40:49

I had a concern here again about labeling.

Everyone that I talk to, tells me that a) there is no way that I am borderline and b) that even if I were, that is NOT a label that I want.

From my perspective-- and although I don't know my "self," I know this mess of confusion better than anyone else-- and the extensive research I've done, borderline personality disorder is the only label that I have found, which speaks to my experience. The people I have confided in about this, say "yeah, but you're not crazy." You're fine-- just anxious.

But no, I don't think it is just anxiety. Everyone-- the few people that I trust and run to in desperation, doctors I have visited, and even a couple of not-so-good therapists that I have visited this summer, all try to cram pills down my throat. But I think it is more than anxiety.

My therapist now keeps trying to tell me that it has to do with separating from my mother and a fear of enmeshment. But I think it is more than that too.

Ever since I was a little girl, I have felt terrified of the dark, empty moments of the night-- a absolute absence, suffocatingly lonely. This emptiness has always been with me. I never felt like I fit in with the other kids, even in pre-school. I never had many friends. I eventually started to fake it around everyone, and have done that since. Yes, my mom and I were close, even too close, but I don't think that is all. I was a runner in high school and struggled anorexia which turned into an out of control binge eating disorder that I still struggle with. I went through this all alone and never told anyone. I still feel like there is an inner emptiness that I can't satisfy. Sometimes it seems like a physical solution is the only way out of this pain-- either scratching or suicide.
Sometimes I think I don't want to die, but just want to get attention so that someone will help me, because I don't know how to ask for help.

When I bring up BPD, people brush me aside. I feel invalidated. It is true that thank goodness, I was never sexually abused; nor have I ever gotten into drugs or alcohol-- honestly, because they were never available to me in my sheltered life.

These people tell me that someone with BPD would never be able to reflect upon it or want the label. They are always in denial. I just don't think this is always the case. Also, BPD is not always about acting out-- getting arrested and raging. Sometimes it is, but it can also be directed inwardly-- and inner chaos that never goes away; an inner ache; an inner sense of constant loss and fear and feeling of being totally alone. That is how I feel every f*ck*ng day.

Can anyone help me understand?

One therapist told me that I don't want that label; but actually, I do. I really do. I want to know that there is a name for the hell that I live in every day. Sometimes I want to curse the day I was born. Is this anxiety? I don't think so. I want to know what is going on. Is that so wrong?




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poster:Annabelle Smith thread:963658