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Re: I want to act out, but I'm not very good at it Dinah

Posted by obsidian on May 27, 2010, at 21:27:09

In reply to Re: I want to act out, but I'm not very good at it obsidian, posted by Dinah on May 27, 2010, at 6:31:40

> I've always found the idea of acting out better than the reality of acting out.
> I'm sorry you're feeling so bad and angry and trapped.
> I believe that something has to give. Sometimes in a perfect storm the pressure builds high enough, and something is going to give.
> So... What can give most safely? What's pressing in on you? What alternatives do you see? Your job? I know it's a lousy time for job hunting. Would knowing that escape is coming, and you don't have to work there forever help? What choices are open to you in your field?
> Your creditors? I know this isn't the best time to deal with them either. But it is possible to try to work out something with them to help with the pressure. I didn't particularly like it myself, but would Debtors Anonymous be useful for you?
> Your family? When my mother was at her worst last year, I made the decision that for my own mental health, I would have to walk away from the situation and if necessary from her. I know we owe a duty to our families, but we're not obliged to let their craziness drown us too. And we can't help if we're underwater ourselves.
> I felt that way in my life for a long time. Still do sometimes. One thing that helped me was to think about making striking changes in my life, and realizing that they wouldn't really be changes for the better. Thinking of it as choosing this life rather than being trapped in it helped itself. But that admittedly took time.
> I also opted for incremental changes. I keep my eyes open for signs that the stress is starting to overwhelm my ability to cope, and say so. Then I do what I need to do, at that point, to step back and build up my ability to cope. Because it really doesn't help anyone if I keep trying to soldier on. I've got an arsenal of ways to gain enough distance to re-enter the fray, and while none of them are terribly healthy they're aren't as self destructive as they used to be.
> I also identified a few areas at work or home that cause me the most stress. I realized that part of what caused me the most stress was a tendency to struggle with things on my own, when communicating my difficulties to others would be so much less stressful. It was totally beyond my comprehension that I could tell people when I was scared or overwhelmed, or that I could ask those in authority what they'd prefer I do in a situation. Or, if I'm behind in a project my standard choice is to hide from everyone, but just telling them I'm running behind and letting them know where I'm at is actually preferable to them. Yet in my life at least, there are things like this that help. I still have trouble remembering that. A lot of trouble. I'm far more likely to keep my troubles to myself and keep trying to struggle through them, even if the struggle isn't as necessary as I think.
> Those are things that help me, and they might not help you. But the point I'm trying to make is that even in the most helpless, miserable situation, I've found there are often ways to release pressure with relative safety. It's not easy, but the alternative is so unbearable that I keep trying to muster my courage.
> And if it's too much at this moment to consider the bigger picture, how can you let off enough steam in the immediate future to feel able to continue? Does screaming help for you? Or beating a pillow? My therapist always suggested it, and I can't imagine doing it, but it must be helpful for some. Does getting mildly drunk (not enough to make the real situation even worse of course) help? My forgetting sleeps help sometimes in the immediate future. Or playing Bubbles or Bejeweled until I'm in a trance. Or Risperdal as needed. If you call your pdoc, do you think he could help?
> I hope things feel more bearable for you soon. As Jane said, you will feel better than this.

Thanks Dinah for your very thoughtful post. :-)
I feel so out of control, taken advantage of, judged and discarded, shamed and angry. I also feel like I am being told that I have no right to be angry.
Things being triggered from the past :-(
I keep fantasizing about yelling at people, but it'll do me no good of course. (sigh)
I'm short on coping skills right now, but I did see my T, so perhaps I'll avert some otherwise destructive actions.
I do need to step back....
I do want to withdraw. I'm too overwhelmed.
a nice cave somewhere sounds great
physically of course I have to show up, I wish I could just space out, but the circumstances won't permit it.
extra klonopin perhaps,just to take the edge off?...will call pdoc




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