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Re: I don't understand what I'm feeling Daisym

Posted by onceupon on April 29, 2010, at 21:30:37

In reply to I don't understand what I'm feeling, posted by Daisym on April 29, 2010, at 20:39:24

I think TG is right, that you'll come to an understanding about this on your own, over time, so whatever we have to add is just speculation, filtered through our own particular lenses. My first guess was that your sadness sounded like a particular form of grief - maybe about the juxtaposition of talking about such happy things in a space where you've gone so deep into such terrible things - as if it's sad that in all this time your therapist hasn't known the "real" you, because he's missed out on this part of you. I often find myself wanting to share others' favorable impressions of me with my therapist, because I'm convinced that she sees me in such a one-dimensional way, since all I seem to bring to her are details of the crap side of my life.

Maybe another way of saying it is that it could be sadness about the contrast between the happiness and the terror you experienced as a child. And the contradiction that lies therein.

What you said about playing the "good girl" also seems pertinent to the feeling. I can't see how that wouldn't elicit some sadness. Even if you weren't making anything up, you were still playing a role, to some extent. If I look, there's often at least of tinge of sadness whenever I find myself putting on a show, so to speak. Or bringing out my "false self" in order to fulfill what I perceive as others' needs.

I don't see any evidence, whatsoever, of drama queen. Sorry :) It just looks like straight up difficult feelings to me.

Daisy, I really feel for you on this one. My therapist and I have talked a lot about playing a role, and how I'm really good at it. I'm a professional, and I do my job well enough to not really get noticed by anyone, which is really what I'm looking for. I can talk the talk and walk the walk, and make jokes with my coworkers. And all the while I can (sometimes) feel like I'm losing my mind.

I'll be thinking about you tonight and this weekend. Be well.




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