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I don't understand what I'm feeling

Posted by Daisym on April 29, 2010, at 20:39:24

I feel so, so sad - heart-broken is the word that keeps coming to mind - and yet I truly don't know why. So here I am, asking for input...

I had a tough session yesterday and with 10 minutes to go, shut down. My therapist said, "Do you need to be done with this?" and I indicated yes. So he said, joking, "Do you want to talk about bowling?" I said, "sure." So he asked, again joking, "what was your last score?" I told him 122 - he said "that sucks" and then asked when that was. When I said a month or two ago, he was very surprised - asked a few more questions about bowling and then said, "I can't believe I don't know you bowl...after all this time." And he said more, we talked lightly and I left.

Today we talked at first about the feelings that shut me down yesterday and then he said that he'd found himself really thinking about the last few minutes after our session yesterday - about how much he really doesn't know about me, including the "in-between" things of my childhood. We've talked hours and hours about the "bad" stuff but not so much about the ordinary things - like tree climbing or what I did with my friends. He asked how that would be for me - and I told him that I wasn't sure I knew what to tell him but these were the kinds of things from the past I never thought about because when people share lightly - "I used to do this or that" it inevitably leads me to the secret I had to keep. But as an adult, I do share lots of stuff with people - the stuff that doesn't mean anything - like bowling. And people think you are easy to talk to and open and relaxed because you do this - because you never, ever share your secret or sadness. And we do talk about my work and my relationships now, etc. Besides I don't know what is stupid and not important - so how do I know what to tell him?

And then, somehow, I was telling him things - trying to figure it out as I went. I told him about my first job and about playing with my brothers most of the time. And about skating, etc. I told him that he probably didn't really know how much I love music and why -- and local radio, I love the radio in the morning. We talked about rock band and folk music. He smiled a lot and asked questions here and there, or made comments. I was in my "good girl" persona, doing what was expected, painting positive pictures for him. They were all true though - so I wasn't making things up to make him happy or anything.

But as the end of the session neared, I felt so sad. He asked about my plans for the weekend, like he always does. I did not tell him I felt sad, I just left as if nothing was wrong. I wanted to cry when I was finally alone in my car. And I still feel that way. I feel so alone, not connected...lost. I can't even begin to figure out why a conversation that was all about me, about good things and not triggering would make me feel this way. And worse, I can't tell him I feel this way because that makes me a drama queen.

Is it that I'm not OK being happy and normal and ordinary with him? How pathetic does that make me? But that doesn't feel like it - or at least, not all of it. But something has happened, somehow I'm hurt and I don't know how to make it better.




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