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Re: 'on the spectrum of borderline'- fb and sid

Posted by workinprogress on March 28, 2010, at 11:27:00

In reply to Re: 'on the spectrum of borderline' » workinprogress, posted by floatingbridge on March 28, 2010, at 2:23:27

It's true. I think you can use it either way, or some combination. I think initially I did a "very borderline" thing- I saw all the bad things about the label, decided it confirmed that I was bad- unlovable (in fact, that's what it feels like so much of what people say about borderlines comes down to, "these people are too difficult and destructive to deal with"). But then, I realized I was feeling some relief and understanding from it as well. And I was able to have some compassion for myself. "Oh, there's a reason I do these things, struggle in this way, have this pain..." whereas before, I wondered why the heck can't I figure this out- my friends aren't like this.

So- it's self-awareness I guess. Acceptance and understanding for all of ourselves. I am a lot more than:

- intensely afraid of abandonment
- highly emotionaly reactive (without an emotional vocabulary... though I'm learning)
- a black and white thinker
- impulsive
- lacking a sense of self
- have unstable interpersonal relationships
- empty feeling

I am also:

- passionate
- bright
- empathetic/caring
- spontaneous and fun loving/playful
- insightful
- loving
- sensitive

And... nothing's changed. The challenges I had before we had the talk about borderline are still the same. T and I even went down the list... things I want to work on:

- black and white thinking
- not manipulating to get what I want
- continued work on thinking/feeling together
- staying present
- "the weather" (recognizing that feelings change)
- differentiating in times of stress
(there's more, but I can't remember them now)

Anyway, she said.. yep, all doable- nothing here we can't figure out. (of course she has much more patience than I on the timeline ;) ).

So, nothing at all has changed. Except that I have more information and that information is helpful to me. I knew all those things (symptoms) about me before- now there's an arbitrary label, but also an explanation for how I ended up with all those symptoms. And, that people with those symptoms really struggle sometimes, because it's really hard. That gives me understanding and compassion for myself that I didn't have before. THAT is VERY useful. B/c I turn inward in my anger/hatred, not outward. I don't hurt myself physically, but I do a bit of damage emotionally. That's interesting... that's the way I was raised too, nothing physical, all emotional (neglect mostly, but lots of dismissive, you're bad for your feelings stuff).

Those are my thoughts for today. Thanks everyone for chatting through this with me.

WIP

 

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