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Re: Wiki definition of c-ptsd, a brand new key » floatingbridge

Posted by antigua3 on October 13, 2009, at 9:03:51

In reply to Re: Wiki definition of c-ptsd, a brand new key » antigua3, posted by floatingbridge on October 12, 2009, at 16:26:00

Its OK. I needed to see the truth as much as it hurts.

These posts are so helpful because they describe a lot of what I'm going through right now.

After integration of my "selves" I thought I would be miraculously whole. But I was left wondering "Who am I? I have nothing left; there's just this big, wide open dark hole I'm falling into." It made me feel helpless, that my extremely strong self of relying on my little girls for defining who I am was gone. It was petrifying. My denial was pierced.

<<core identity formations were interrupted at an early age or maybe, whatever age, by protracted exposure>>

This fits me perfectly. Is it really possible to change this core identity? While I have faith, Im just not sure its something that can ever be changed. Maybe adopting coping mechanisms is the most I can hope for. But that wont ever resolve these issues and its sad to think they may be with me always, tripping me up in the years I have left in my life.

I see myself in all the BPD in dealing with my psychiatristespecially the insecure attachment. Why cant I trust him to believe he wont leave or hurt me, despite what he says? But then, of course, the rational part of me says, There are no absolutes in life. Sometimes, even our faith lets us down, so why cant I give up this need for reassurance?

Slowly I've realized that I do have a self, the adult one, who is healthier in many ways, but still a long ways from being whole. I felt like I'd been ripped open and my selves discarded, but then my T reminded me I do have a strong, healthy part to hold onto: I am a good wife and mother, and that's really important to me and I've worked extremely hard to get there.

But that still leaves a huge part missing, and in this discussion of c-ptsd I realize I still have these underlying issues with my psychiatrist and in parts of my life.

I looked at DBT with a more rational eye, and yes, there are things that can help me stabilize in my feelings for my psychiatrist. Emotional regulation is key, for me, and Ill try to stay in the middle, instead of leaping off either end into love or hate.

I know that we are at a particularly difficult phase, but as silly as it sounds I didnt know it would be so incredibly difficult to try and see a man clearly, unclouded by who I imagine he is and who he represents. Im truly incapable of doing that now and its painful.

Why cant I believe its just a phase, Ill get through it, as I have in the past? Probably because this goes so very deep and back to the basic element of who I am and how I developed. It makes me hate myself, which I know is not a good feeling to have.

antigua

 

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