Posted by obsidian on September 12, 2009, at 22:52:59
In reply to Re: when I hate myself, sometimes I just have to......, posted by Garnet71 on September 12, 2009, at 10:58:07
> Congratulations for working up to exercising, eating well, etc. Then the medical problem came along. Without knowing the specifics, it's difficult to tell, but you inferred it ostensibly inhibited your continued progress toward healthful changes you've recently made.
thanks, it worked for a while :-)
I do want to get back to it, it's just that I've lacked the motivation, and again I've just wanted to hide out.
> But if fluctuates-I go from doing ok sometimes, to the inability to do anything. I also have anxiety-which is similarily intermittent. Your symptoms, at least from what you've written, also seem to be inconsistent. Sometimes the inconsistent scope of the symptom presentation indicates it could be more psychological (although bipolar also manifests this way). Obviously, I feel no certainty about any specific reason-these are only guesses.I am generally anxious, but it is worse and better sometimes. A lot of that has to do with medication, but the medication only does so much. I am better with it, but still often very uncomfortable. So, part of me wonders 'what if I just stopped meds completely? perhaps I am looking for answers where there are none?'. The problem with this theory however, is that perhaps there is NO solution. I suppose though, what I might say to anyone else is that there is no one solution, and that there are other things to try, but I'm gentler on others and more likely to condemn myself for my shortcomings.
> I can give you an example of the psychological aspect of this behavior, although I can only explain this by sharing my own experience. I think sometimes my total lack of motivation is a result of self-sabatoge--a conflict between my core issues and my conscious actions. I've recently begun psychodynamic therapy and realized I have some dependency core issues. This was only apparent when my life was totally falling apart. I, too, suddenly felt neediness with PDocs and Ts. When I read about dependency personality disorder from the DSM, I can't specifically ascribe the traits to my self or personality or behavior. But when I read about some manifestations of dependency in psychodynamic therapy-it fits my behavior. For example, for many years, I sought friendships with authority figures-usually my bosses at work. While dependency personality disorder criteria states passiveness, agreeableness, and doing anything to please others, sacrificing yourself or whatever, are signs of dependence issues, what I read about from the clinical psychotherapy perspective is that a person with clear cut dependency issues can be very assertive if that facilatates the types of relationships sought. This is certainly the case with me-I am very assertive; this assertiveness garnered respect from my bosses-who came to value my judgment and led to trust and ultimately friendship establishment. In other words, I seek relationships with others I feel are strong, protective, and self-assured - mainly authority figures, because it makes me feel safe and protected and/or I'm seeking the protection I never received from authority figures in childhood. I had experienced repeated abuse by several types of authority figures. Yet, I trust people who appear extremely authoritive. This does not make sense if I was abused by authority figures multiple times. But here's an example of self-sabatoge to repeat unresolved childhood issues: I got in a car accident recently - an off-duty cop drove into my car. It was clearly his fault; he just drove into my lane. Because he was a cop, and appeared like a good-natured person, I just trusted him when he asked me if we could handle this outside of the insurance companies. So I did not get witnesses, call the police, etc. He did pay me for the damages, just sent me a check. But now that I've begun to recognize my core issues - I thought, this has to be self-sabatoge. I trust anyone in authority and get myself in situations where I will be screwed over by authority figures. I mean, there are bad cops. This guy could have just said he never met me in his life if he wanted to. I thinks that's a clear-cut example of self sabatoge, though I didn't realize it at the time. I have this problem where I give unconditional trust to authority figures-who I deem helpful, authoritive or protective in nature. When I view an authority figure as weak or incompetent, I just don't like them or avoid them; ex: PDocs who don't help me when they repeatedly give me meds that don't work. I would have never realized this had I not been in psychotherapy. However, self-sabatoge can be very subtle. In the case of hidden dependency issues, you could be suddenly helpless in handling your life, secretly self-sabatoging to get the help of others because you feel you are (unconsciously) incapable of taking care of yourself. I can't give you a specific example of this.
>
> Self-sabatoge can result from hidden dependency isses or other underlying core traits you could be unconscious of. I'm not saying you or I have a personality disorder; I don't feel I do, and from what little i know about you, I don't feel you do either - but understanding the manifestations and behavior of concrete core issues does help in understanding patterns of behavior. Hopefully understanding such core issues can facilate change. Self-sabatoge and substance abuse are related to dependency issues; of course, those things are related to several other core issues. Sounds like you might have some more self-exploration to do with your T?yeah, I suppose. I don't feel capable of taking care of myself in a lot of ways. It's still a fuzzy concept for me. I suppose it means the things everyone sort of thinks of like eating right, exercising, sleeping right, but taking medication? can that be taking care of myself? I've taken it all this time to help me function, but to think of it as a self-care kind of thing is different somehow. I guess the distinction is subtle, but it's messing with my head anyway. It would mean it part to own some sort of dysfunction in my brain rather than some deep seated characterological flaw....but then, maybe there is no difference there?
I'm not sure what my expectations of my T and pdoc are. I want some guidance I guess, and it has always been lacking in my life. The thing that comes to mind is feeling distressed and confused and having to just "figure it out" myself. I do feel though that in reality I do have to make some choices, but I'm not sure about anything.
It's a familiar confused and lonely feeling.
> But-I think "self-sabatoge" can also be a manifestation of extreme anxiety, due to environmental stressors and/or inability to cope with it all. In other words, it's all too much to cope with right now-and you feel 'stuck'.I have felt perpetually unable to cope, chronically overwhelmed. I have been stubbornly persistent in the face of it all, but I keep getting the "f*ck-its". Maybe it's easier not to try?
> I hope I haven't misunderstood you or said too much, and I hope this gives you some clues as to some of the possibilities that may be related to behavior. It sucks, I know. Maybe it is just being overwhelmed and will pass. I hope so. Take care Sid.
thanks garnet :-), it really helps to hear another's perspective. It's good to have some things to think about.
take care,
sid
poster:obsidian
thread:916442
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090907/msgs/916798.html