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Maintaining a contract with therapist

Posted by mmealltalk on July 12, 2009, at 17:38:00

Hi anyone who will listen, I have been seeing a therapist I absolutely adore for the last 18 years, incidentally more than half my life, and believe she has been with me during the most horrific and difficult times. I am not an easy patient, I have seen her 1x, 2x, 3x and a few years ago even 4x a week when I was no longer able to work. Anyway, I used to be a cutter and burner and act very dangerously and impulsively and after one huge incident that landed me in the hospital, she made me sign a contract stating the terms that she would work with me under. Basically I cant act impulsively, can't hurt myself or attempt suicide, I must be working or in some form of treatment program at all times and I think that is basically it. It kills me that we have this contract though. I mean I live for her and signed it without question as I dont want to lose her, but it makes me feel like I am such an awful person. We have discussed this many, many times and she says that she cannot work with me if I require a higher level of treatment. And, I can understand her feeling like she can only handle so much before a residential treatment or hospital is in order, but I still feel like the worst human on the face of this earth that I have this contract to abide by in order for my therapist to work with me. If she told me verbally that I could not do xy and z it would feel different than having this paper contract on top of me each time we meet. (Not that she mentions it). In fairness, if I feel like I am going to do anything, or feel I lack the ability to control myself and either tell her or on my own go to a hospital, the contract will not be broken, so she isnt unreasonable. However, I want to be accepted by her for who I am and I feel like what if I am in a different level of having a mental illness than I believe and I should be getting a higher level of care then what, I wont deserve to have the one person who understands me the best in my life? I dont want to be too crazy for her to work with, and I do keep my end of the contract, it just feels that with the contract came a loss of unconditional caring on her part. Obviously she has to do what she feels is best, but this really torments me inside, and though I feel as if this happened yesterday, it has been like 3 years since I signed the contract. Anyway, any words or replies would be helpful.




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