Posted by FindingMyDesire on June 22, 2009, at 8:56:23
In reply to Re: T Created Major Shift In Approach - Was Not Ready!, posted by workinprogress on June 22, 2009, at 1:57:52
You are always so kind.
She gave me homework and assignments. Now, this in itself is a very good approach for me. I do a lot of writing in my journal already and share much of it with her - the edited stuff. This is more about writing the thoughts, feelings, and sensations as they come - unedited. And then if I can share them with her that is great.
Here was my homework:
Find a special place at work and a special place at home where I can take "breaks." (She was calling them "time-outs" to which I had a BIG reaction to so she quickly switched it to "breaks.")
I'm supposed to take at least one break a day for now, smaller breaks as needed. During these breaks I'm supposed to notice my thoughts, sensations, and emotions. I am supposed to ask myself with curiosity about about these cues and what might they be telling me. And then I'm supposed to sooth myself by holding myself, physically.
I think I'm supposed to do all of the noticing whenever this stuff comes up and then be able to take a break as needed to do some self-soothing, eventually. Right now it's more of a getting started with these new techniques and making time for myself.
As I write it here it all just sounds so great. She is just so wonderful to try to help me in this way. But here is how it all went down and why I am reacting so strongly:
I had just come off of yet another overwhelmed and agonizing four days without her. I was leaving her messages and feeling desperate. She is not available to call me back during three of those days and that is when I was getting into trouble - getting triggered into crisis mode.
She handed me a piece of paper with this assignment on it. Of course all I can think of is OMG, she spent time making this for me. (Feeling loved.) And then, OMG, she is really scaring me right now. (Feeling a huge shift.)
She explained everything to me in a super loving and supportive way (I'm sure). This is about having resources when we are apart. This is about learning to self-sooth. I don't know what she said. Of course all I was hearing is the You Are Too Much For Me. Here, Learn This So I Can Be Done With You.
OMG, so I wrote alright. I took my breaks. I even tried having curiosity about my feelings and taking note and asking me, what is my body telling me? Um, it's telling me that she doesn't love me and that I am truly alone in the world.
I wrote and wrote and wrote. And then when I saw her next (2 days later) I gave it all to her. I mean, this was unedited, raw stuff. Mostly hand-written. I don't usually share at this level. And frankly, I don't know what all I said. She read it all in front of me.
All I know is that the reason I'm feeling better today at all is the picture I have in my head of her holding those papers between her hands and the look on her face as she looked up at me after reading them. It seemed like she wished she could hold me. I'm sure I'm making that up, of course, cause I wish that she would wish that. But it sure looked like it. It was the way she was holding them between her two hands.
Anyway, she said a lot then about this not being about a separation or being left alone to fend for myself. This has to do with learning to know that I'm *not* alone in between our sessions and to be able to feel more held.
I guess I left feeling fairly connected to her, although in tremendous pain that I cannot shake. And I am asking myself if she can be trusted. I don't often have such a conscious question about that. But it just seems so risky right now.
She left me a message to listen to this week. I didn't even ask for one. We didn't discuss it like usual. That, also, is sustaining me. I'm not kidding you when I say I have listened to it over 60 times since Saturday. I recorded it to mp3 and I'm just flooding my ears with her voice.
And I'm doing my frickin' assignment. I know she is right to try to teach me to care for myself in this way. It's just that doing so in such a structured way made it so obvious to me that I'm just a "job" to get done.
Wow, this was long. But there you have it.