Posted by Amelia_in_StPaul on June 19, 2009, at 19:51:42
In reply to Re: Please follow site guidelines » Amelia_in_StPaul, posted by garnet71 on June 19, 2009, at 19:42:09
dear ((((garnet)))) I am so sorry for your distress. I can see how this interaction would be so difficult and so incredibly triggering. I have been dealt with badly by people in the mental health profession, and I know how hurtful it can be. We expect support and caring, we expect to be treated like thinking, feeling human beings. Are you safe tonight? I know you said you took a Xanax PRN--are you going to be okay? Can I suggest that you do some things to put this aside for awhile? Take a long bath with some nice soap bubbles, if that feels safe to you. Also, for anxiety and panic attacks, laying down or sitting with weighted blankets can help you get through a rough spot. Try to focus on the sensations, whether you are taking a bath or sitting with blankets: focus on what the fabric feels like, describe it to yourself too, so that you are grounding yourself and not thinking about the painful experience you've had. Focus on the weight, the touch. If you are in the bath, and using scented bubbles, focus on the scents, and describe those. Say these things outloud, as in: "the blankets are heavy. the fabric is nubby. this feels like shell." When you start to feel panicky, try to do something soothing that uses one of the five senses, and describe outloud what the sense feels like, what you are hearing/tasting/touching/seeing/smelling.
please let me know how you are.... hugs, amelia
> Hey there Amelia.
>
> First-this analyst did NOT mention psychotic symptoms; that was me thinking about it....I did ask him if that was in his thoughts and he said absolutely not.
>
> So he calls me back this morning with a bit of strange behavior. He has this 'thing' that I accused him of manipulating me--he said this twice, again, on the phone. I said in repsonse "again, I want to make this clear, I did not say you were manipulating me...". I never used that word. Now, if you think about it, much of this therapy IS about mind manipulation. The doctor does techniques intentionally to bring about certain reactions and effects. That's not the point though. I like the techniques because for me, they provide lots of insight. HOWEVER
>
> Now that the childlike emotions have left me, the 'adult' me is very uncomfortable with what has transpired. I am totally comfortable with the dynamics that go on in this therapy--BUT I am not comfortable with how he handled the termination of our relationship--which was not part of the therapy (unless it is and i don't know it-sending me to this female analyst).
>
> They way he handled my departure, in my opinion, was cruel and unprofessional. It was right before it was time to leave our session (why not at the beginning???). There was absoltely no reason to not tell me at the beginning of the session-he sat acting strange until it was time to leave. I said nothing unusual after telling him about the attachment right up front, just a couple of things about my history similar to history before.
>
> Towards the end, when he initially told me he was referring me out-it took my breath away-I can't really describe all the emotions. I've never consciously felt emotions like that before. It was the strangest feeling....I was in a state of childlike trauma, in my childlike mind that resulted from the transference and attachment. I rambled for 5 minutes, pulling on my shirt sleeves, squirming, confused, crying, acting all shocked, he said again I needed long term treatment, his age, etc. Well, he just then said another patient was waiting and that I had to go--while i was still in this childlike state of trauma!
>
> He didn't explain anything-what happened, how to deal with this, cope, no empathy or sympathy-very cold. Maybe i am overreacting, but we had lots of time to discuss it if he had not waited till the end. And no comfort or direction. He was cold, and acting strange the whole time--but no blank screen.
>
> The issue is, I had called him back later and wanted to know what happened. I just think he should give me an explanation for: what happened/why I ended up in that state/how, why he thinks I attached like that (I told him it was my preconceived strong trust and faith in him), why he used techniques to induce the transference and my regression if he was 'consulting' me; basically--what happened. I just want the intellectual explanation of what happened, why, and what I should do now and how to deal with it. Nothing. He gave nothing. He said "yes, it was a little strange, wasn't it" duh. Like in decades of practice, he never saw someone who attached, longed for him like father/daughter, and told him they craved his reassurance like i told him...That's all i want was an explanation, so I could understand, process this, and deal with it accordingly. Why is so adamant about refusing to let me know what happened to me?
>
> He acted just like a narcissist would have when inflicting pain on me-cold, no empathy, no concern at all, denying he had any role in it, and projection-he said twice on the phone today I accused him of manipulating me. I did not; i merely said he encouraged the transference (and this is a fact he used techniques which do so). His behavior was just too similar to how a narcissist reacts-putting the blame on me, words in my mouth, etcd. I do not think he is a narcissist; maybe he never deviates from the cold therapy stance, but the projection thing was too wiered. Again, this was not therapy and he was totally different from the first time I spoke with him.
>
> BUT it has triggered PTSD anxiety from past situations where narcissists were very cruel while I was in a state of shock, trauma, or pain. I was crying in my classes today, major chest pains, etc, with reoccuring thoughts of the trauma, basically the PTSD type of anxiety. I picked up the scripts today--he gave me way more xanax than I told him i take. I merely asked for a refill of what the last pdoc had given me. He wrote down the exact scripts i was taking, and i verbally confirmed so this was no mistake.
>
> I don't think that is too much to ask for-a rational explanation for the whole thing so I can understand it, process it, and get over it. Why couldn't he explain this to me? We've talked on the phone several times-but he won' tell me anything. Just tells me its important I tell new analyst everything. duh. why wouldn't I? i told this guy everything, and even let him into my unconsciouness.
>
> I called one of my former therapists now and left her a message-i need support and understanding of what the hell happened. I'm going to ask her what she thinks of all this. I took some xanax so I'm ok now, but all day i was in a state of distress over this. It's not the loss/child-attachment thing that is upsetting me now though-I feel that has faded. Its his reaction to my trauma. It doesn't seem right. I am wondering if HE has issues-that maybe someone else in the past had this type of attachment for him, and that something bad came out of it. I would totally understand if that is the case because he would have to step aside from trreating me if he had these feelings. It would be a conflict of interest, in nontherapy terms. But what's with not being straight up? Are most analysts like that? It's obvious I'm capable of understanding medical terminology from how we converse.
>
> I don't know about this. I love this type of therapy, but I'm at the point now where I can never trust another mental health professional ever again. I can't let someone have control over me like that. Psychoanalysis is some powerful stuff. I'm going to talk to his colleague next week during our appt. I'm going to ask her to explain this to me. I hope she does. But I think I am going to discontinue this type of therapy--only because I just don't trust anyone anymore with that power over me. Not after I totally divulged my trust in this doctor, and he hurt me with the way he reacted to our relationship termination, knowing how intese that attachment is and can be. Maybe something good will come out of the whole thing. I just don't want to f*ck*ng deal with PTSD anxiety anymore and find it now almost unimaginable to trust another psychoanalyst with the potential to do damaging stuff to my unconsciousness.
poster:Amelia_in_StPaul
thread:901600
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090614/msgs/902144.html