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Re: please? hello? » FindingMyDesire

Posted by yellowbird01 on June 16, 2009, at 20:59:47

In reply to Re: please? hello?, posted by FindingMyDesire on June 16, 2009, at 20:21:20

Yes FMD, my history with my T has been very good in a lot of ways. A few years ago, last time I saw her regularly, we got pretty close and she made it clear that I was "special" to her... boundaries got a little blurry.. but only in terms of her disclosing more than she regularly does, and expressing caring more openly. Nothing sexual, abusive, etc in ANY way. She reeled that back in and things have been "normal" since.

A few months ago, I fought hard against the borderline dx from her. I can admit I may have qualified a few years ago, but not now. I felt like she wasnt giving me a chance to be anyone different from who I was a few years ago. She finally stopped saying it, although I'm not convinced she doesnt still believe it. She felt like my resistance to it, and feeling like it's a negative label, is inaccurate and that I'm thinking about it wrong. Whatever.

Just tonight, I mentioned aspergers in relation to my mother. I dont know if my mother has it or not, but it's a new idea that came up while takling with my aunt, and it certainly fits. I really cant believe I'd never thought of it before. I mentioned it to my T and she agreed, but within 5 minutes, turned it and asked how it'd feel if a doctor or someone said I have qualities of it. She KNOWS how much I hate diagnoses, and how much they hurt for me. I dont know why shed say that. I sent her an email an hour ago and asked her to clarify with a yes/no that I'd heard her correctly. Hopefully she will.

I'm not sure I understand what you mean by "trying to will me intellectually to change". Do you mean that she may be trying to motivate me into it? Could be. I dont know. I really dont understand why she does it. But it HURTS. There is very little right now that I feel confident of being good at.. and having Aspergers would, by definition, mean that I'm really not good at all at the things I think I'm good at. I understand that therapy is all about facing hard issues, and sometimes that is really painful. I get that. But I feel like everything is being stripped away from me sometimes and each time it happens, I'm scared to trust her.. scared to tell her any more information for fear it'll knock me even lower.

I love my T, I really do. She can be great a lot of the time. But I cant do it this way. I sent an email to my old T to ask her if i can meet with her to run this by her. I dont know if she'll go for it, but I need another opinion from someone who really knows me. I dont feel "special" to my T, like I used to be, anymore at all. In fact, I feel sort of the opposite sometimes. I feel unimportant and like she isnt seeing me or hearing me. It hurts.

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I know you werent expecting a long reply like this.. but after my crazy rambling, hopefully it helps people understand what I was trying to say before.
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I really, really appreciate you and everyone responding to me tonight... Thank you.

 

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poster:yellowbird01 thread:901367
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