Posted by yellowbird01 on June 16, 2009, at 18:45:37
In reply to Re: please? hello?, posted by twinleaf on June 16, 2009, at 18:30:00
The meeting was okay. Saying it went well is probably an overstatement, but it was fine. It was really for her benefit. Her husband died a few weeks ago and shes trying to understand things to help with her grieving. But addressing these family issues head on like this has shaken me up for the past week.
Why the crash? It was both.. T not calling, stuff here, and the family stuff getting stirred up. I'm invisible everywhere I turn. I saw T today before the meeting, and it went okay. Talked about having empathy for myself etc... I dont agree completely with that she said but I see her point intellectually. I crumbled after meeting with aunt... I realized I *am* my mother. I am. And I HATE that. Of all the things I never wanted to be, that's it.. and I;m just as bad as she is. I called T, who called me back... I raised the possibility of a certain dx for my mother that my aunt and I had discussed.. and T threw it back at me, what would it feel like if I found that I have qualities of that dx too? The dx is Aspergers... and of all the things I know I'm bad at and struggle with, the one thing I feel confident of is my ability to read other peoples emotions and be socially appropriate, even when I feel my worst. Yeah, that isnt always true here on babble, i admit that. but in real life I am. My aunt even said today that the reason she wanted to talk to me about everything is because I'm "just so stable". Hah! My T already throws around the borderline personality disorder business.. she has mostly stopped since it stops my talking dead whenever she brings it up. Many drs have disagreed with that dx for me, and shes the only one who "sees" it. That dx HURTS! And on the phone today she also reminded me of how I'm not doing a lot of the things I could do to be less like my mother and grow beyond that. She said it in a nice way that was probably as sensitive as possible, but dang. She tried to tell me that I'm worth having some empathy for etc but that got run over with the other stuff. I dont DESERVE to be alive at this point. I suck as a person and I've screwed up badly. Whenever I think I'm doing okay at something, I'm wrong. Its been 2 years or more since I felt actively suicidal or in serious crisis but I think I've found it again!