Posted by wittgensteinz on March 12, 2009, at 12:10:09
In reply to seeking parent's approval., posted by catlady on March 11, 2009, at 20:52:33
I'm sorry your mum said that to you - how hurtful. You have reason to be proud. What you have achieved must have taken considerable stamina and perseverence.
The part you wrote about being compared to another sibling struck home with me. It seemed that no matter what I did, my brother always had the lime-light - he was always 'first' and always the one I was compared unfavourably to. The day I got my high school final exam results (and I got the best in the school and had my photo taken for the local paper) they were busy taking my brother to the airport because he was going on holiday with his friend so I had to get the bus home. She handed me some money for the bus fare and told me to return a skirt she'd bought to a store. My mum did give me a card saying 'congratulations' but when she saw from the change that I'd taken the more expensive bus route instead of walking to the other bus stop she hit the roof about how selfish I was (this was over a few cents).
Nowadays, when I speak to her on the phone, she has on occasion said "I'm sooo proud of you" but I don't understand what she means by it - I don't for a moment think it is sincere. It makes me very uncomfortable and suspicious. In fact if anyone says anything to me along those lines, I don't trust they mean it.
I suppose I mean to say - what would it add if your mother would say that? Would you believe her or would you think "I bet she really compares me to my brother... or I bet she really thinks I should lose more weight". The idea of making yourself proud is an important one. In the end, it's your life and you're living it. You own your own accomplishments. I think it is possible to let go of this desire to get what you can't get from your mother. It's hard but possible. I wanted my mother to love me - to see me as something good - it's still something that drives me but somewhere ultimately I know that that desire is unreachable. It helped me to read books that characterised the relationship I had with her and talking about it in therapy.
Witti
poster:wittgensteinz
thread:884928
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090227/msgs/885023.html