Posted by wittgensteinz on March 11, 2009, at 7:24:10
Last September I switched to a new pdoc. The previous one wouldn't agree to take me off of an AD that hadn't been helping me and that I'd taken for a year. He was also unhygienic (his office was a big mess and he smelt of sweat) and was unclear - he'd muddle terms and mix up one medicine for another. I felt neutral toward him but didn't have confidence in him. My T suggested I look elsewhere.
My current pdoc is friendlier and more professional but very busy. However, he seems to have judged me very quickly. The first time I saw him he asked what was wrong with my previous pdoc but I didn't feel comfortable talking negatively about his colleague. I have the feeling he took my lack of an answer as to say that I'm fussy or difficult. Anyway, after 3 short sessions seeing him over 6 weeks I agreed to let him discuss my case with my therapist. My T later told me that they disagreed with my diagnosis. Basically the pdoc decided after those 3 sessions that I am an untreatable borderline and that he found my T 'heroic' but unrealistic for persisting with me in psychotherapy. It was his advice that I go into partial-hospitalisation. My T disagreed. He disagreed with the diagnosis - he'd never said I was borderline (he's said perhaps avoidant personality disorder) and didn't think I was a hopeless case and saw improvement but that I have big trust issues. I should say that pdoc has never said any of this to my face and perhaps doesn't know I know this from my T. So, as you can imagine, I feel a mix of feelings when I go to this pdoc knowing what he really thinks of me. I feel judged and silenced.
I had to wait 6 and a half weeks to get my appointment with him yesterday. I wrote him an e-mail (as he'd requested) to ask for an appointment. I explained my symptoms clearly. He never replied. Only after I phoned and left a message he finally got back to me. I go in yesterday but feel overwhelmed by anxiety. He feels just like my mother - I know it's my projection but I feel an extreme distrust toward him and feel terrified. I told him about the anxiety I've been feeling the last weeks and he responded by saying that "anxiety" is a strong word and maybe "tension" would be better. Well, I know that what I have been experiencing is what it is and I'm not stupid but my fear was so strong that I didn't know how to articulate myself - so in a way I'm living up to this image he has of me.
Every time I go to see him I feel awful for about a week afterwards - it has a very negative effect on me. One time he said to me (2nd or 3rd appointment) "I have to be honest, you don't have a very good situation at all. The only positive thing in your life is that, at the moment, you are in a relationship". He really stressed 'at the moment'. At the time I thougth "well at lest he isn't overly optimistic..." but it seems he thinks my relationships are unstable. Well I've been in this relationship for over 5 years and it's a good stable relationship.
He's prescribed me a new AD and will see me again in 4 weeks (which seems a long time if, for example, I have nasty side-effects). He refused to consider prescribing anything specifically for the anxiety, which leaves me in a difficult position. At least sweaty pdoc prescribed seroquel which would put me to sleep if I felt too bad.
The last time I saw him, back in December he said how he was proud of how well I was doing and how I was welcome to make an appointment at any point. Of course I didn't believe a word that he said (but that's just me) but when he ignored my e-mail I took that as a confirmation of my suspicions. My SO wants me to change to another pdoc but my overwhelming feeling, just like it has been with my mother, is to persist and prove him wrong - of course I'll probably never succeed and each time I go there I feel worse. This makes me feel so low and frustrated. My T seems to think that I should just not worry so much and just see this guy as someone to get meds from...
Witti
poster:wittgensteinz
thread:884840
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090227/msgs/884840.html