Posted by DAisym on February 11, 2009, at 23:32:48
Today we talked about how I dont feel like I own my own body. I reclaimed my mind (at least most of it) somewhere along the way, but my body is something to keep clean, dress up, put shoes onit gets me where *I* need to go like my car, right?
More and more, Im working to feel things in my body, especially more intimate things. It is super hard and I often dissociate especially when something feels good. It is almost like a switch gets thrown and I *have* to leave this feeling RIGHT NOW. Im afraid to feel good, afraid Im in trouble, afraid of some other unnamed things. I told my therapist that since I hurt my knee, Im more away of my body both how it can fail me and how much I need it.
We wandered into this via talking about shame, blame and fear. My therapist said, the more we talk about the disconnect between your body and your brain, the more Im thinking it is super important. And I feel like Ive been avoiding it with you because it is so hard for you. I didnt really know what to say to that. He is right the few times Ive actually run away from therapy, cancelled sessions, etc. was when I tried to talk about my body image, weight and sense of attractiveness. He sounded almost disappointed in himself projection on my part?
At the very end I said I felt strange and sad I needed some reassurance from him but I wasnt sure for what. He waited and seemed willing to give me whatever it was, but I couldnt come up with it. So I left, reluctantly, with a strong sense of a lost chance.
Tonight I think Im worried (who me?) that Ill get really hurt by talking about all of this. What if my therapist doesnt think Im attractive? I mean, *I* dont think I am, but *hes* not allowed to think that! And do I want to really bring my body and those feelings into therapy? because while it has been there, it really hasnt if that makes any sense at all. I feel so insecure around all of this and I want to try and pretend it doesnt matter.
But it doesI think he is right.
It might be super important.
poster:DAisym
thread:879554
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090129/msgs/879554.html