Posted by rskontos on January 22, 2009, at 16:44:38
In reply to My so-called family, posted by Trotter on January 20, 2009, at 2:03:01
I understand exactly what you are going through. In my case, my mother who was very abusive and neglectful is dead so that is that. But my father is still here and still hurtful. I finally with my t's permission confronted him. But as in your case, my father was not receptive to it. Of course it would mean accepting responsibility for actions he did not accept then so why would he now. It got really nasty. My t gave me permission to not have a relationship with him if I so choose. And I so choose. Because in trying to discuss with him our relationship now and then, I found out more stuff that just hurt more. Certainly not needed now. In the end I decided an old dog can't learn new tricks and it is too hurtful for me right now. Maybe down the road in my own recovery I can bear to try again with him but for right now I need my space from him.
I realize he had his reasons for his lack of fathering, but whatever they are, he could have and should have done better. I have and my h have so just because he had a distant mother and father did mean he needed to be the same. NO excuses as I haven't used those same excuses to be the same kind of parent as my parents. You understand. I broke the role models set in front of me, he could have too, he chose not to.
I am trying not to be bitter toward him, I just choose to protect myself right now.
I think it is important to know what you need and do what is right for you when it is the time. And then you can deal with what ever happens. Because like everyone says your parents will be the way they are. Maybe they will see it through your eyes and maybe they won't. You need to be able to handle that.