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Re: Now this when I get myself into trouble....

Posted by Wittgensteinz on December 20, 2008, at 6:26:42

In reply to Re: Now this when I get myself into trouble...., posted by rskontos on December 19, 2008, at 23:32:00

This is a really quick response - but the thing is I understand where you both are coming from. I suppose I was trying to speak from the perspective of a person who wasn't a 'victim' (and I understand why that word hits a nerve with people) - now if I try to apply what I wrote to my own mother - well it's hard. I don't like it when she gives reason for me to find her 'nice'/'good' as it runs at odds with the image I have long accepted of her - it's simply safer to see her as something evil and bad - but in reality there is likely a big discrepancy between my internalised mother and that woman now, who lives in another country and who phones so and now to ask how I am. I attach to her motives the word 'bad' - even when any normal person would see her as doing something good, I always see some negative alternative explanation - and that carries over into my other relationships. I'm not saying I'm not affected by all that I went through, my past, everyone is affected by their pasts, whether they were positive or negative - just there's more that 'affects' or 'drives' us too. It's a part of our make-up and for those who come to therapy because they are 'living' in or 'dictated' by their pasts - it is exactly with that assumption (the assumption that we can break free, that we are more than what happened to us) that we work and move forward.

Gosh, I don't even know myself if I make any sense :( - I feel a bit like I've imploded in on myself the last 24 hours - it's nothing to do with babble - it was a book I read (one my T lent me for the break, which he wrote about a patient he had in the 70s) and it made me think "am I just full of cr**?". That woman said things in her first session that even now I didn't realise I was even *allowed* to say. It gave me the overwhelming feeling that I am such a weak loser that I can't look the truth in the face - that I don't even realise that some things I really think can be spoken. Sigh.

I wish I could press a delete button to the last year and a half's work I've done with my T - or just disappear.

Maybe I sound like I've progressed far in my words, but my words are those of a far off idealism - I hold them because I need to in order to keep going, not that I necessarily 'live' them. If you would see me now, I'm a 24 year old 'girl', and you'd not be able to stop from laughing at how pathetic I am.

Witti

 

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poster:Wittgensteinz thread:869336
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081219/msgs/869798.html