Posted by Racer on November 26, 2008, at 20:10:13
In reply to a therapy survey- anything you might want to share, posted by obsidian on November 24, 2008, at 1:42:47
Well, since I am too wordy, I'll just take a couple...
> 7) Do you think your therapist cares about you?
I'll take this one first, as it's the easiest for me:
I believe absolutely that my therapist cares about me. I trust that she feels a great deal of affection for me. She certainly shows it, and I think she's too authentic to fake it.
> 4) Do you feel like you have been through different stages in therapy?
Absolutely. Too many too count, but the big stage-shift I went through involves transference. My T and I joke about that, because it was so hard for me -- I kept telling her, "no, I know too much about this process, it's just not going to happen." And, of course, I was slow to open myself up enough to experience that transference. When I did, it was a mistake she made, and I left a long voice mail for her saying, among other things, "...and on top of that, this is that d--ned transference that I said I wouldn't have." Since then, periodically something will come up, and I'll say, "Oh, F-you, if not for you, I wouldn't have had that lousy T-word!" and we'll both laugh.
Not only was opening up enough to feel it an accomplishment, so was the recognition that it took a long time because of trust issues I didn't even know I had.
> 5) What's one problem that you can't seem to get rid of or something you have a hard time changing?
Only one? ;-)
One would be my ingrained belief that 'recovery' will mean I've gotten rid of all the psychological screwiness -- and that I'll be THIN! I know, logically, that I won't be thin -- that's part of what recovery has to mean. I still don't actually accept that, though.
A corollary to that is my continuing need to be perfect. That's developing some signs of health, though.
I still have an almost overwhelming craving for physical affection from a man -- physical, not necessarily sexual. (I also want the sex, by the way.) That, and an almost overwhelming need to feel safe, protected, loved. (Gee, I wonder where that comes from, eh?)
Perhaps most difficult of all is developing a sense of self-efficacy. That's certainly a work in progress...
> 6) What have you gained from therapy?
I've learned to take pride in my accomplishments more openly. I even volunteered to someone one day that I'd made the top I was wearing, it was my own design, and I was very pleased with the way it turned out. That's something I'd never have managed even a year ago. Then, I might have mentioned that I had made my top if someone had asked about it; I might even have volunteered that I'd made it if someone complimented it. And then I would have proceeded to devalue its importance. "Oh, it's easy -- knitting is the easiest thing, anyone could have done it, etc."
Now I can say, "You know what? I'm proud of this top. And sure, anyone could have done it -- but I *did* do it, and I'm proud of the outcome." I've always felt that pride, but never been able to express it before. "Be modest, dear..."
Ah, the socialization of women, huh?
And I've learned to contradict my therapist -- which no doubt frustrates her at times. "No, that's not what I said -- and I meant what I said!" That's one hell of an accomplishment for someone as petrified of disapproval from an authority figure!
OK, enough from me.
Good survey question.