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Re: How long have you been with T AND....... » Looney Tunes

Posted by Wittgensteinz on November 12, 2008, at 10:45:24

In reply to How long have you been with T AND......., posted by Looney Tunes on November 11, 2008, at 23:36:37

Hi LT,

Interesting questions!

1. I've been with my T for about a year and a half. I see him twice weekly, sometimes thrice.

2. I think there are still things I find very hard to talk about with my T, and my ability to speak freely swings back and forth. I'd say it took about a year to really be able to 'free associate' (that said, I'm not sure I'm a 'pro' at it now, but I've definitely improved and find it more comfortable than I did). As for telling him anything about my past, actually I shared quite a bit in an initial history that he asked me to write for him. I wrote about 30 pages on my early youth, of what I can remember of it - up to the age of 7. As for actually talking about memories and 'being there' that came later and is still coming. There have been a few things that I have written about and read out to him - they are too difficult for me to talk about freely.

At the moment he has asked me to talk more freely about my anger - this is something I find extremely difficult (which I think he finds a bit frustrating). I am just so inhibited regarding this emotion.

3. Shame/embarrassment is a big problem for me. There have been times that I have felt stalled - something needs to be said but I can't work through the shame of it. My T has been very good about helping me to say what I need to - he doesn't force me in any way but is able to appreciate the embarrassment I feel and alleviate it somehow. Once I've said the thing that was so difficult, he works through the feelings of shame I have associated with it.

I live in the Netherlands - it's a country where the majority of land is below sea-level. My T once used the idea of a building-site and how they need to constantly pump out the water as an analogy of shame in therapy - it's always there, coming in - but to continue work, you have to pump it away.

The question of whether embarrassment and shame are the same.. hmm.. I distinguish between the 2 as follows - the first I experience in the awkwardness of sitting there talking all about *me* - the egotism I feel as a psychotherapy patient - I have to try and swallow that feeling as I talk about myself, about whatever comes to mind - embarrassment of letting my outside persona down and trying to be just 'me'. The shame is a stronger feeling - it involves embarrassment but also guilt - guilt for sharing what happened, dishonoring my parents, for example, a deep disgust with myself for being a thing that someone would do that to - letting another person know how worthless, pathetic and unlikeable I feel I am. Shame is something more complex and painful. For me, it brings an intense sort of suffering - when I feel it very strongly, I can feel physically sick from it, have strong headaches, feel as if I am grieving. There have been sessions where I have suddenly experienced a sharp stabbing pain in my head immediately after talking about something very shameful.

4. My conviction that my T does not believe me was much stronger in the past - perhaps I just don't have the energy any more to worry so much about that - perhaps it's that I *trust* him more? I still have problems trusting that T isn't judging me and if not *why* he isn't judging me - i.e. because I shouldn't be judged or because he is professionally required to judge - just like the question of caring - is he caring because he is obliged to or because he wants to - he tells me frequently he is not a robot! This fear he will leave is still very present. I'd like to say I have progressed in terms of these things but I have difficulties trusting him and maintaining trust. Perhaps deep down, there is a part of me that is convinced he is here to stay.

How about you?

Witti

 

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poster:Wittgensteinz thread:862458
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