Posted by FindingMyDesire on October 20, 2008, at 9:48:25
In reply to MAJOR Find - a LONG piece of my STORY (triggers?), posted by FindingMyDesire on October 17, 2008, at 23:19:03
Update - I shared everything with my T Saturday. It didn't feel so hard as I was talking - part of me was just so excited. But as I read something specific I had felt about my last therapist and then started to read my dad's words (from an old journal), I started to feel it all. I guess it became more emotional than intellectual. As she started responding to me I felt more "little" than ever before in there. I kept thinking in my head, "Please don't hurt me. Please don't hurt me. I don't think I could survive it. I'm totally trusting you with my everything right now." She had an amazing insight about why physical distance is so hard for me (like when I FREAKED cause she was gone for 2 1/2 weeks.) If everything that said I was worth living for came from the one occasional smile of approval I got from my dad (when he wasn't rejecting, criticizing, or abandoning me), then I didn't learn to feel like he was holding me in his head or heart when we were separated. I'm not saying it as clearly as she said it but it really resonated with me. Of course, then it was the END OF THE SESSION. I was only half in the room. I was having to try to hold onto myself. I needed to just sob. I could see through the tears that she was saying loving things and was concerned about me leaving the room. Honestly, I don't know what she was saying to me. She warned me that I might feel really angry. In a way I think it was at that moment that I was trying to build up the anger wall - how could I have to wait until Thursday to see her again? How could she leave me like this? But, when she said that - that I might feel angry, that feeling dissipated. I just felt really, super sad. I'm not sure how I walked out of there. I'm not sure how I'm holding all this right now.
Kath - Thanks for writing. Your anger was very validating to me in a way that was both soothing and difficult to read. I think seeing someone else be angry about it allowed me to feel some of the tremendous hurt. Which by today I'm getting I'm going to need to let myself be in a bit. I don't know about alternative methods, but maybe I will ask my T about them and come back to that. Thanks so much for the offer to share.
Lemonaide - Your grandma's journals sound like such a wonderful treat. I love your story about the restaurant! Our histories and family histories are so important!
Muffled - Thanks for writing. Yeah, I have lightbulbs just following me around right now. I think I must look like a christmas tree...
Antiqua - I didn't have any siblings that lived with us. I don't know what that would be like. But I do know about father's power to toy with that "special" positioning.
Phillipa - Your statement moved me to want to reach out to you. I want for you to feel special to someone (just not someone that will hurt you).
Lucie Lu - I was moved to tears by your response. Thank you for taking so much care and time in writing. I feel so seen by you. How come you know all of that? :-) And how did you manage to make it sound like I have been trying to HEAL myself instead of how my head that tells me I have been SCREWED up FOREVER in my relationships? You are so encouraging. Thank you.
JayMac - Thanks so much for the hugs. I really, really need them right now. Seeing something so big has left me standing on the edge between "I can do this" and "I can't".
Turtle - THANK you so much for responding. Going in and actually sharing this with my therapist was SO HARD. And reading your post again and again is helping me to understand why. It feels impossible to let go of the negative stuff. Because I don't have replacements. I don't want to have to let go of the quest to have this particular pain fixed by someone else. I don't want to face that it will never happen. I don't want to let go of my intense, unrequited love feelings that I have had OVER and OVER for people, because although they are excruciating, they are familiar and they feel like my truth. I think I like feeling them like a drug. If that goes away, won't I just feel empty and numb? My world seems a little less twisted now but it hurts so much more. I am afraid my T will expect me to "get passed this" now - too quickly. I think I will want to talk to her about that. I need time.
Thanks for mentioning the homophobia. I always think of that as so specific and isolated - simply something black-and-white to hate myself about (the being gay part). What you said helps me think *maybe* it's just another thing I project negativeness on. I don't feel like I believe that yet, but I feel like your statement opened up the possibility.