Posted by lucie lu on October 18, 2008, at 16:01:20
In reply to MAJOR Find - a LONG piece of my STORY (triggers?), posted by FindingMyDesire on October 17, 2008, at 23:19:03
Once again I am struck by the intelligence of your post and also by your candor in expressing ALL of your feelings: happy, sad, excited, longing, frustrated, wounded etc. You are really so remarkable in your honesty and forthrightness (and again I think how lucky your T must consider herself to have such a motivated, honest, and insightful patient)!
As others have said, given the emotional abuse you suffered from your father, it is no wonder at all that you have issues related to trust and intimacy. Your father sounds like a classic narcissist. Narcissistic parents do a great deal of damage to their children. You were "special" when his image was reflected in your eyes, and you were nothing when he decided to look elsewhere. You, with your love and honesty, wanted and reasonably expected a relationship that validated who you were and provided you with the love and security you needed and deserved. Growing up with such a parent is heart-breaking. It takes a long time to really understand that most people are not like that, that there are different relational models. It is really no surprise that you have been looking for years for that love, constancy, and validation that your father dangled in front of you and then pulled away time and time again. If he was a narcissist, he probably never understood the damage he was doing to his daughter or how his behavior could be so deeply wounding to another person. It is completely understandable that you were left with crazy deep longings and yearnings from the many ways the relationship with him hurt you and failed to meet your needs. In therapy, you can confront those feelings head-on, as you are doing. You can learn to manage them and eventually be able to convert that negative energy into something positive in your RL relationships and also for your own self concept. You will finally have a chance to be happy and not fear intimacy as your father misrepresented it. I am so sorry that you had to grow up like that :(
As I see it, the major insight you had from rereading your journals was that you have been trying for many years to get over these wounds in relationship after relationship. In other words, you obviously have been trying as best you could to heal yourself, you were trying to learn to become whole and grow beyond the point where your father let you down. I admire and am touched your strong drive to be healed, FMD. It requires both courage and heart. I am glad that you have found, and are beginning to form a healthy attachment with, a great T who will help you heal and grow and experience the loving intimacy that you were denied. And despite the challenges in your past, you have managed to make a good and enduring connection with your partner as well. She is lucky too :)
FMD, you have so much to give and you really are so special! I am certain that you will learn so much from your therapy and be able to apply it to your real life. I really look forward to hearing about your journey.
Congrats on the good work. Really!