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Re: attachment

Posted by onceupon on September 29, 2008, at 13:27:42

In reply to attachment, posted by turtle on September 28, 2008, at 13:48:50

> What does it really mean to be attached to your therapist, or anyone else for that matter? I know a few intellectual facts about attachment and that there are different styles of attachment. But I don't really understand it on a deep or personal level.

I've read some of the theory too and when I see descriptions of "secure" attachments, I think of feeling as if the person that one attaches to feels like a safe space. I watch my son and believe (hope) that he feels securely attached to me because he is comfortable going away from me, but likes to know where I am, so he knows that he can come back too.

People also write about being able to hold a caring picture of someone else in your mind as indicative of attachment. Or maybe it's just about feeling accepted or knowing that you feel less anxious (at least most of the time) in this person's presence. Can you tell I'm not sure myself about the answer to this!


> I feel a desire to be close to my therapist and to be open to her. Is that attachment? How do you know you are attached? How do you reattach if you are already attached to begin with? What does it really mean to your therapy process?

It sounds like you're describing a desire for attachment. Which is probably the first step. With a previous therapist, I mostly got to the point where I didn't hate myself in her presence. Where I knew and trusted that she would respond supportively to the best of her ability, and that, at least sometimes, I could work things out with her if I felt misheard or misunderstood. I don't know if that's attachment or not. But it felt secure for the most part.


> It feels a little strange to pick out a therapist, who really starts out as a paid stranger, and within those bounds explore the mysteries of attachment and intimacy. On a deep level I know I want to do this process and need to work on my attachment issues for healing, but intellectually it seems like I'm just setting myself up for a very painful experience.

It is pretty bizarre, isn't it? I know that I'm paying for a service, ultimately. But maybe we can frame that service as one that helps us to better relate to others. And since it's a lot easier to learn through experience than through more abstract means, like reading about the topic, the therapist is just using the best tool available (him or herself). If the therapist is good, and there is time, hopefully they will work with their clients around learning how to say goodbye in a non-traumatic way.

> Thanks,
> Turtle
>

 

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