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Re: Partners' feelings about your LT... (long) » Wittgensteinz

Posted by lucie lu on September 27, 2008, at 23:23:20

In reply to Re: Partners' feelings about your LT... (long) » lucie lu, posted by Wittgensteinz on September 20, 2008, at 4:13:38

>
> ** For the most he is accepting - but sometimes he asks things like "what exactly does Dr. X do?" - I hate that question because there is no easy answer. He is a psychoanalyst - the interaction is subtle.

That is a really good way of putting it - this type of therapy really is subtle. It would just be incomprehensible to another person, especially if they had never been in therapy.

Are you in analysis or are you just saying that he's an analyst? Do analysts see people in therapies other than classic 4-5x per week analysis? I'm really curious to know how partners would respond to such a large commitment of time and energy. And also whether they could really understand why you would want to do it in the first place, or how it works. Yes - it is subtle. I go twice a week and to my husband that seems like an unnecessarily big commitment.

>**Sometimes my partner questions about my progress and likewise it's hard to give clear answers - perhaps if I did CBT or something like that, that would be an easier thing to answer. A while ago, he heard from a friend about another therapist who lived nearer by and who specialised in giftedness. He suggested I saw her at the same time as my other T to help me with 'more practical things' as he put it - this upset me as I"m working very hard with my current T. Of course you can only really see one T at once and I am very attached to my T. I'm working through trauma - something more pressing in my opinion than fulfilling my academic potential - my partner knows I had a difficult upbringing but doesn't know too much detail. He's also suggested at one point my switching from the analyst to a CBT therapist because he felt it was taking too long. He sometimes rubs it in that I've seen my therapist more than 100 times - that makes me feel pretty low actually. It's a pity as I am making good progress, just this is a long-term type of therapy and it will take a lot to change things that were so ingrained when I was growing up.

100 times? I calculate it as >400 times, although that is over six years. My husband is afraid it will never be over. I know that it will but really can't say when. It's over when it's over and both parties share that realization. Assuming the therapy has a chance to play itself out.

> What are the issues that have come up between you - jealousy? cost?
>
> ** I pay for my own therapy, although sometimes my partner rubs it in how much it is costing (I see it has a good investment). I think without my T I would probably not have survived the last year. He's also made comments like "I wish I could do what Dr. X can do" - but maybe that was more said in admiration than anything else. He's not aware of my transference toward my T - he knows I'm very attached and doesn't really understand this (but it is something difficult to understand if you haven't been there yourself). I think my child-like dependence and the powerful effect therapy has on me gets to him at times - how I can be upset if I mail and don't hear back and then worry all weekend that my T is mad with me or has died etc. etc. That all said, my partner does his best to support me. I have been in a deep depression for well over a year, and that is no easy thing for him to live with I'm sure.

I think one common worry that partners - who have not been in therapy - have is that they are very uneasy about the dependence they see. My husband thinks that my T has too much influence over me. Sort of like Rasputin.

> How has therapy affected your relationship?
>
> ** Before I started therapy, I was in such a mess. I had attempted suicide and had then seen a psychiatrist which opened up all my wounds and overwhelmed me. For a long while I had found it extremely hard to leave the house even. Sometimes I couldn't bear light or sound - I would lie in a completely blackened room with a duvet pressed down over my head and ear plugs in to avoid sensory overload. I experienced such extraordinary emotional pain during that time and was desperate. So, the fact that I am now relatively functional, preparing to go back to my studies, has obviously had a big effect on the quality of my relationship. I still have big issues with intimacy but there have been improvements in that department too. I think my partner finds progress too slow, but relatively speaking, I have made big steps forward. I have had set-backs - such as a month ago, and even last week I was in a very bad place, but there is still good progress.

Goodness, Witti, that sounds horrible! I'm very glad you are feeling better. Sounds like you had an awful time. I would think that he couldn't help but see a major improvement and that it must benefit him as well as you.

> Sorry this was so long!

Not at all... Thanks for sharing.

Lucie


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