Posted by LittleGirlLost on September 19, 2008, at 20:03:05
I know I rarely post, and have a hard time keeping up, but I've had a horrible week and really need to talk to someone.
This might get choppy; I don't even know where to begin.
Well, it's been a rough week. Over the course of the last few months, there have been changes at work that I am not happy about. It saddens me to say that I am no longer passionate about my job as I once was. That's one thing.
Another thing is, I'm trying to date. Honestly though, I hate dating. I want to get married and have children, but the dating process is so scary to me, and a lot of that I attribute to my past. I've been in two long term relationships though (I guess I'm better at those!), but they didn't lead to anything. What worries me is what if I "missed the boat"? I'm already in my mid 30's which doesn't leave a whole lot of time to meet someone, date, have an engagement period, get married, and then start a family. And ideally I would like to do it in that order.
The other thing is, my mother is constantly hounding me for grandchildren! I can't tell you how many times I hear, "When I was your age, I already had 2 (or 3) children." And this has been going on for years. There's variations of this comment, and they all hurt. There's another component to this.... I do have two siblings, but they don't get the comments; only me. (How's that for added pressure?) If you're wondering why they don't get the comments; they're both gay. And that's the first time I've ever admitted this. Now at my session the other night, my T seemed hurt (for me) by my mother's comments. She said, "why aren't your sister and brother getting the comments also?" I just sat there in silence. Why was I embarrassed to tell her the truth?I've never spoken about my brother and sister. Talking about dating and past traumas is hard, but I could avoid it. Not that it would be healthy, and not that I want to... that's why I'm in therapy. What I'm saying is it could be avoided if I really wanted to. What I can't avoid, and what seems to hurt more than anything, is this ache, this longing I have (and have always had) for a mother. I know plenty of people (here and IRL) who didn't have the ideal mother, but somehow they've moved on. I just feel stuck; like a little girl who wants a mommy more than anything. I know my therapist has said that some men can be nurturing and all, but I literally want a mother, and all of those bonding experiences that I missed out on. I feel that the mother should come before the husband because that's the way it's "supposed" to be. But I also worry that I'm going to miss out and end up spiting myself because I do know that I can't really go back in time, and mother or no mother, I have to move on.
But in terms of my subject line, is my therapist triggering my sadness.... Like I said, it's been a rough week, a rough couple of weeks/months (for me). Not with her, she's been as sensitive and supportive as always. Lately it's hard to tell if I'm slipping into another depression (I hope not), or I'm just really really sad. My "therapy hangover" after last night's session is pretty bad today; I just want to go back again, I want to see her again today. My need for a mother is in high gear. Is seeing her making that pain worse?
We do talk about some of this, but a lot of it I'm afraid to say. It's emabrrassing, but I also worry that she would get rid of my. Totally unlikely, but I still worry about it, and after reading about it happening to some of you here, I worry more.
When I'm with her, it's like the "perfect mother" sitting 5 ft. away from me. So close, yet so far away. While I would love to do all the typical mother/daughter things with her; the reality is I'm terrified of ever running into her in public. And while I would love to sleep over, so we could stay up half the night watching movies, eating junk food and talking (not therapy talking, just sharing); the reality is I wouldn't want her to see me without make-up, plus I'm not sure I really want the boundries stretched like that. Even something that should be as simple as crying; I still haven't been able to cry with her. There have been a few times where I almost have, but I expend all my energy fighting it. I would want her to comfort me the way a mother would, but again, is that what I really want? So you see, it's all so complicated.... are these fantasies healthy? Are they hurting me? Not every week is like this, so it's not always this bad; it's just the mother stuff hitting me hard.
I actually just read an email from her and it made me tear up; I just miss her. I love her and I wish I had the courage to tell her.Well, I think I've written enough for now, thanks for reading this; I had to get it out somewhere. Also, I had this week off from work and aside from my 2 appts, I did nothing. The weather was absolutely gorgeous, and I did nothing. Feeling like this I'm glad I didn't have to go to work, but now I'm worried about going back on Monday. I'm also concerned that I literally did nothing but lay on the couch. Could this be grief?
LGL
poster:LittleGirlLost
thread:853006
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080906/msgs/853006.html